Involvng God One Day at a Time

Years ago, I read a book by Hannah Whitall Smith about listening to God, and having complete faith putting God and Jesus Christ as the center of your life. I was fascinated by this woman who knew and believed in God, had accepted Christ as her Savior and lived her life completely in faith. And yet, she never thought he spoke to her, or that she heard from him. She relied solely on her faith and the bible and put her full trust in him.

Me, I needed to hear from him, I needed to be witness to some miracles. I needed to know when he was here, and when he was speaking to me. And when he did, then I wasn't necessarily sure it had been him. I studied him, read everything I could, listened to the words of others on their relationship and constantly struggled to find him, hear from him, know his plan for me. Finally I relaxed and slowly I began to hear his still small voice.

Lately God has been calling my attetion to the vast amount of places where I try to do life on my own not relying on him. It seems I compartmentalize myself deciding those things I should do on my own, and those things that are right to seek his help on. And he wants it all. He wants to me ask for is help,guidance, support, and answers. He wants us to seek him always. And he wants us to have faith in knowing he will answer. He will.

I have proof that he will. I have had miracles in my life. I have asked and he has answered but at times there is this logical side of me that says "Of course that would work out, you worked hard to ensure it did", or "Of course if I manage my finances I will have more financial resources". I recognize that I have to participate in the relationship with God in order to see the results I know I can expect from him, and yet the logical side of my mind says "well, then isn't it me doing the work?". And so it goes, me asking God to come in, me taking back the reins, me seeking God again.

But there are times, usually desparate times when I know God has answered. And yet, I still have doubt. I feel challenged by that, and like Hannah Whitall Smith I am going to focus on letting God in on all things, all my life, all my wants, dreams and desires. For the next 365 days I am going to pray for the simple, the large, the mundane, the work, the home life, the luxury items, everything. I am going to wake up every morning and let God in, and I am going to tell him everything. Everything I want, need and dream about. And I am going to record everything that happens. Because I know that he is faithful, and he does answer prayer, and he will provide all my needs and he knows what I need even before I do. Its silly really that I would een doubt it because I have proof. When I quit drinking, it was God who answered my prayer and took the craving away immediately and I have a years worth of Bible entries/recording to confirm it to myself. Its been three years and I have never craved it again, even after treatment, AA, counselling, depression medication, he simply removed the desire. It was one of my first big miracles and I know that if I let him inmfully, deeply and completely, there is so much more to come. So here I go. A year with God.

What is on my mind as we begin. I need to define my career. I want my own business or to be in a job that I love where I am in charge. I think I want to go back to school. I want my photograqphy business to grow big, really big. I need to get my house renovated and I am overwhelmed financially and with the shear magnitude of it so I don't know where to start. I want to work from home. I don't want to be rich in a big house, but I want to have enough money to be able to help others. I would love a house at the beach, rental property here to provide income so I can do what I want, I have about 200 pounds to lose. I would like to have white perfect teeth, and no sagging skin after I lose the weight. I would love to see my mothers health improve dramatically so we can have many more years together. I want a German Shepherd in our new one level house with a nice yard, an SUV to transport animals, or crafts depending on what I do for my new business. I want to travel more, specifically to Europe, Montana, France, Vermont, Cape Cod, Hawaii, and if I can't have a beach house yet, I would like to be able to go to the beach more often this summer. I want a closer relationship with my Dad and my brothers, and I don't want to agonize over the past anymore. I want a full, honest, open life with kind gentle actions in all I do. I need help with my taxes, planning for retirement, saving money, and paying bills. I would like to learn how people pay $10 for $400 in groceries and I could apply it even a little I would. I have a children's book I have written and it would be wonderful if some publisher would love it so much it would become a book and then a screenplay and would help me with all the other things in my life financially. I want a credit score of 720 or higher within the year. A new home in at least two years. I want to be a good friend to others. A mentor if there is someone who needs it.

I want to be a better wife and I would like my husband to be more involved in our relationship. I would love to have a more vital relationship with him and yet have no idea how to start. I would love for my husband to be interest in travelling with me and it would be great if his company gave him a raise, better benefits and more security nd more vacation time. I want my husband to get his driver's liscense and slow down a bit on his drinking so he can be more involved in our relationship. I want more peace in the progress. To be more sure as thoughts and ideas present themselves. I would love to have children but know my years for that have passed, but perhaps Foster parenting (provided our house is in better shape) or working with children in some way. I want to have a strong relationship with my nephews so that I can be there for them. I want to be the best Aunt possible. I would like to learn Search and Rescue and train a dog to work with me. I want to hike and photograph more and would be so excited if one of my photos was feature in a publication. I think I want to get my CAE certification and if I go back to school would love the company I am currently working for to pay for it all. Oh, and I would like the company I work for to begin contributing to the 401K plan again. I am going to make this into a list, and keep track of it all. I would like green grass to grow in my front yard, and to have our house painted this year. There is so much with regard to the house...new furnance, kitchen, windows, bathroom and more that God knows about, so I won't go into detail, but will record it all as we go.

Most importantly. I want God in my life 24/7 and I know its a two way street. I need to participate and that means getting back to church, reading the bible more consistently and recognizing the miracles all around me. If this journalling can help only one person then I have been obedient to God and that is all that is important. I know it will help me. Let the journey begin. Oh yes, it already has, God knew it all before I did.

Packing Up Christmas Galatians 5: 22-23

I often wonder how people can keep up Christmas Decorations all year round. For me there is such delight in unpacking my ornaments, putting up the lights, and picking the tree each year, that when its time to pack it up, I do so in anticipation of the next year.

I do however, feel a sort of melancholy when the process of "undecorating" begins. Christmas seems to come and go so fast and yet, its such a special time where family and friends get together and we as people come together with love. It is as if there is a sense of expectation. An expectation of love and kindness, patience, self control. As I thought of those words I immediately began to think about the Fruits of the Spirit. How appropriate that as we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, the fruits of the spirit are so strong and prevalent. People are more giving, more compassionate to their fwllow man. The man outside the grocery stores rings the bell for coins, and many of us cheerfully give what we can. We pack food baskets, give gifts to children of prisoners, serve food at Church Shelters, and so much more.

The fruits of the spirit are God's gifts to us and once we accept Jesus Christ as our Saviour they dwell in us while the Holy Spirit convicts us to change. It's up to us to allow God in, to let the Holy Spirit go to work. If we allow him to nourish us, our fruit becomes healthier, stronger. He helps us to become better people all year long. The Christmas Decorations, the joy, the fruits can be alive in us all year long. This year, let your Christmas lights shine all year long.

22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Losing Out on His Love. Psalms 105:4 Seek His Face Always.

Its been awhile since I have posted. Not sure what to call it other than a "break", a catharsis, a mistake. Because for awhile I have neglected my relationship with God. I have kept him in my heart drawing on his strength in difficult times but not putting my effort and time into this relationship. There were many excuses, an illness, a death in the family, job issues, etc. etc. etc. It wasn't only the attending church issue, I went from a daily bible study and devotional time with God to next to no time with God, and its a wonder to me that it happens so quickly and without my attention.

I could beat myself up for it, could get discouraged and feel bad but God is a forever friend. He does leave us simply because we have become lazy or neglectful. When we are ready to come back to him, his arms are wide open, welcoming us home.

I have missed out though. That time away from him, have left me with an emptiness and I want it back. I have talked to non believers through the years, and sometimes wonder if I could ever walk away. If I could accept my inability to keep up with the relationship. The answer is no. God has given to me an unconditional love again, and again, and again. My life is a testimony. Miracles abound, and to know that, to have that proof reminds me that its time to get back on track.

If there is someone out there who has been there, or is there, I encourage you to know that with God, there is always hope. When you let him in to your life, when you accept his Son as your Saviour, he grabs hold of your heart and never lets you go. Simply get on your knees and talk to him. His arms are wide open, his heart is yours. He will always be there.

This devotional arrived in my inbox today. I think God was talking to me!

If you're not choosing to spend regular time with God, then you're choosing to die spiritually.

This is What I Know. Jeremiah 9 11:13

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans for hope and a future. If you seek me you will find me, when you seek me with all of your heart". This is my hearts verse. I am proof of a loving God who doesn't make mistakes, who loves unconditionally and who will never leave me or forsake me.

At one time, were just words to be applied, to memorize, to practice. They held little meaning at one time, and yet I latched on to them finally deciding that in order to experience God I had to let him in. I had to believe all of the bible, all of what it said. The more I began to change my way of thinking, the more that I began to notice God's hands on me, guiding me, changing me, nudging me to be better, stronger, more of a participant in this life here.

I am not perfect. This I know for sure. I make mistakes, I walk off the path a bit, but I catch myself more frequently, get back on the path. I fall in and out of letting God hold the reins and taking the reins in my hands all by myself, but this is what I know. I am proof of what God can do in our lives IF WE LET HIM.

It's not a one sided relationship where we ask and God Answers, it takes work to get to know God. Sometimes very hard work and sometimes he comes to us in our weak moments and shows his grace on us regardless of our mistakes. We are not mistakes in God's eyes, and its such a relief to know that he never leaves us.

Recently I have been challenged in my thoughts and actions. I was in a trench of sorts, trying to dig myself out. Trying to determine my life on my terms. A vendor to our company came in to the office today and he began to share an uncertainty that he was dealing with in his life. I could hear the angst, the pain, the sadness, the discomfort. I prayed to God for patience in listening to him and guidance as to what to say. I was reminded of my own journey and I told him that he should try to enjoy being in the trench for awhile because it means that God is working hard with us to lead us to a blessing we can't even begin to imagine. I firmly believe that sometimes we have to wallow in "Stuff", we have to feel sadness, discomfort, pain in order to grow as Christians.

As I said it I was reminded "Okay God, I am listening", that perhaps I should follow my own guidance. Perhaps I need to settle in for the ride a bit and that I am not alone. God is with me always, and he knows the plan that he has for me. How wonderful it is to know that he took the time to select the perfect plan for his child. I don't know about you, but to me its as if he holds me in his arms all the time. He never lets go, and the more I listen and let him in, the more my plan unfolds.

Grief...Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 A time for Everything...

This week a friend of ours son died of multiple wounds from 2 pit bulls. He was trying to protect a smaller dog from harm and the dogs turned on him. He was a young 20 year old. A kind gentle young man with a huge heart and a wonderful sense of humor. We attended his funeral yesterday and I sat there watching two grieving parents bury their son. The church was filled with over 200 family, friends, friends of family. The sadness, tears, agony, despair was all around us. My husband hesitated about going at first but in the end he knew it was something he had to do. He was worried about what to wear. I told him, "It won't matter what you wear, it will matter that you are there". I was surprised to see the level of support, the range of ages, the different ways of paying respect. It was a Catholic service and I was unfamiliar with the traditions, but I was sure of one thing. God was there.

The Priest said two things that stood out to me. 1) That we often question if the deceased is in heaven. He reminded us that God chose us. 2) The second was that the more the extreme suffering the greater the room for love.

Many were asking "Why God? Why Carter?" I asked What God? What are we to learn here, How will our lives change?" This morning this burden of sadness was still with me. I was tearful, tired, emotional, and I took off on a hiking trail along the water and contemplated this with God. And here were his answers to me.

I have often questioned two things in my relationship with God. This unconditional love that he offers us and the thought that perhaps I don't truly understand what love is or what it feels to love unconditionally. In our humaneness we struggle with unconditional love and if we are honest that sometimes we get so angry with a spouse or child that if even for the briefest moment, our feelings change, and we wonder. Our love is challenged. We may have favorite friends who we care for more, or siblings that we just get along better with, and sometimes we question whether we are truly loving people if we can have such negative thoughts.

But in sight of death, unconditional love emerges. We forget the past, the bad choices, hurtful words, idiosyncrasies of the person who is now gone. I think its because at the moment Jesus takes over in our lives and our hearts are pure. It is in those moments that we are given God's greatest gift. His son Jesus Christ.

It's hard to say how many lives will change from this ordeal. Some may walk away from God feeling the need to blame him for taking this young man so soon. Some may draw closer to him because they know that life is too short. I do not know. Some may find Jesus. And Carter will have the glory of viewing it from Jesus's viewpoint.

I am sure that another life lesson I was to learn from this is that its important that we stop and take time to pour out God's love to everyone we come in contact with. That our mission from God is to Love Him and to Love Others. Those are the two greatest commandments. We sometimes get caught up in daily tasks neglecting what is important. On that dreadful day, no one knew that in the afternoon this young man would be gone. No one knew.

In the midst of great suffering, great love will emerge. Let your love shine through the eyes of Jesus Christ. A wonderful prayer was read during the service and I will print it tomorrow. I think it is a wonderful testament to what can lie ahead for all of us. It is all in God's time. Not ours. Life on earth is short. Live in the present.

Bible Verse Challenge...

I had an "aha" moment with God today and usually a verse comes to mind, or I see it on a license plate or I turn right to it in the bible, but today nothing came. I know it will, he teaches me that way, but I thought rather than wait for the verse why not share my story with you while I wait for his voice. Perhaps he wants the verse to come to me from you. Someone will find this blog, and know the exact verse that applies to me and the lesson. But if not now, I know it will come.

I have so often agonized over my job, I wake thinking about it, I argue it out in my head, I anticipate problems before they happen and even though they usually do and I am always prepared when they come, I find that its not the most healthy place to be. First it takes me away from quiet time with God, Second, it gets me all riled up about the job and I become obsessed with the job and forget about all that surrounds me.

Today God told me that work is to take 8 hours. After that, its my time. Time with my family, my friends, my husband. I devote 8 hours of strong, hard steady work to my job, and then that is it. The rest of the time is time spent on me, my relationship with God, my relationship with my family. Work will have to wait.

For me, this was a jolt to my daily routine of waking up, thinking about what lies ahead, feeling miserable and not wanting to go in, blah, blah, blah. Today I approached it differently. I owe them 8 focused hours. That is it. So on the way home, my husband and I talked about other things, made plans for our vacation, cooked dinner together.

I came home and didn't check my emails, and it is a little difficult breaking the habit, but I turned off the blackberry, we ate dinner on time, I was able to sort through some mail, make my husband's lunch. I had more energy, more time for me, more time for us. I was even friendlier.

I seem to have lost track of what was important. The job pays the bills. The title, the pay, the status means nothing to the Lord all he wants is a relationship with me. He wants me to put my priorities in other places. Places I have neglected. Its going to be an interesting journey over the next few weeks. I know its all part of his plan. It's so exciting to have someone so focused on me as his child. And we all can have that relationship with him. We can all let it go and let him do his work in us.

You know some might shy away from or ignore the lessons that God has for us, or even his plans. But lately I have found that by sitting still, listening to him, doing my best to hear and follow his direction is well worth the investment. Less stress, more time, more peace. A restful place to land.

If you feed your emptiness with addictions, you will starve to death...Luke: Chapter 9

My addiction for the longest time was alcohol. And if you read past posts of mine you will know that God took that addiction away. To me, its my own miracle. I had suffered with my drinking, but when I laid it down desperately in front of God and begged him to remove it, he did, free and clear, on September 11, almost two years ago. Luke Chapter 9 talks of God feeding thousands with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes. He fills every hungry soul. Isn't that the most beautiful guarantee? How do we accept that into our lives? Remind ourselves that we are his. We don't need to be fed by material wants and needs. He fills every hungry soul.

I don't struggle with alcohol any longer but there are other addictions I deal with: Spending, Shopping, Over eating, procrastination, relationships.

Today while praying and in conversation with God and wondering why I always find myself in this predicament it occurred to me that I have substituted one addiction for another. Why? I asked? Its not like I just happened upon overspending. I have done it for years. But my overspending has now become a focal point now that the alcohol has been removed. The layers of addiction are peeling away like an onion and each layer removed helps me see further into my soul and my relationship with God.

We can't fill the emptiness with food, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, (Fill in the blank). We know the list of things that keep us from growing, from being the best we can be. Only God can fill the empty space, only God can take away the fear, the doubts, the uncertainty. Its a struggle some days. Me, I just want to believe that I can handle it, that I don't need anyone. But the more I rely on God, the more I realize I need him all. I need all of him in me. The Holy Spirit can be a powerful defense against the challenges and struggles of this world. If we would just let him. Are you struggling with something today? If so, know that you are loved. God loves you and he has a plan. He can and he will fill the emptiness with more love than you can possibly imagine. It's Him we need, it's his Son Jesus Christ. I believe this with all that I am.

I am rich in Christ.

Gossip Girls and Boys Ephesians 4:29

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." I told you yesterday God is leading me in this area so it came as no surprise when I came across this verse.

I have over the years participated in GOSSIP. Good and bad, hurtful, behind the back gossip of any kind is detrimental not only to the people involved but to building a stronger relationship with God. Its hard to remember that when we are hurt or upset with someone, jealous or angry, those thoughts and feelings are against one of God's children. Christian or not...Buddhist, athiesist, Muslim, we are all God's children. Chinese, African American, Spanish...you get the idea...we are all God's Children. Tall, short, fat, alcoholic, addict. We are all God's children.

So, when we have negative thoughts we are not only hurting relationships but hurting God as well. He aches when he hears us and when we particpate. Over the years I have removed myself from those opportunities, but every once in awhile, I walk into a situation where someone is talking about someone else. My reaction is to listen without saying words, or in some cases to offer another point of view. In any event I am still participating. It takes courage to say..."This is gossip and not healthy for the organization, community, church". Sometimes its uncomfortable and I feel as though by commenting in that fashion I won't be liked any more. It's a difficult task for me but one that I feel I need to work on.

Watch your self over the next month, how many times do you find yourself drawn into a situation where you know the conversation is being heard by God and he is aching over it? Think about how you can change the world one conversation at a time by ending the conversation or making others aware of the damage it is causing.

Psalm 37:7 Rest In the Lord...

"Rest in the Lord and be willing to wait for Him. Do not trouble yourself when all goes well with the one who carries out his sinful plans."

Yesterday, work had my full attention. People were protecting themselves by blaming others for what was done wrong, while the boss simply wanted a new process to avoid mistakes. One worker plays dumb as if bored with the meeting, another states that "when she did it, there was never any problem" and here I sit taking on new responsiblities because of an unfilled position and its adiministrative. Here I am a hard worker, willing to work, willing to learn, and with all my years of experience frustrated that I am stuck doing the adiministrative work and on top of it, no one wantes to take on additional responsilibity so they play dumb.

Coming home from work last night God spoke to me and told me to "Just Be Still", they are not in control. Not one of them. God is.

I then realized that I was weathering a storm. I had been moved to part-time, and now I am back full time. Patience paid off. God is in control. And he may only want me here temporarily.

Its not about who is doing what, who did what, what didn't get done. It's about doing the work. As my Dad always says "If you aren't happy, leave! But NEVER NEVER leave a job without another one." So for now I am here.

I have to stop worrying about what the other person is doing, thinking, acting. If they are acting in a sinful way, in God's time, things will change. We all have lessons to learn. We are all his children. This to me seems to be the hardest lesson for me to learn and perhaps its why it keeps coming up as a topic of conversation between me and God.

He wants me to leave him in the driver seat, not try to take control of the wheel, not try to do things my way, but rest in the Lord.

Are you like me? Do you sometimes wonder why people get away with things? Do you wonder when it will be their turn? When will they learn their lesson?

It's not our debate. Thank God that he doesn't apply all the lessons I need to learn all at one time on the same day! Could you imagine?

Different Perspectives

God is quite involved in my life, and the more I let him, the more I learn and grow. If you have been following my journey you will know that its been quite the roller coaster ride for me. I was just offered full time status back at my office for the next three months. I was asked back because another employee was let go for not representing the company well. It was a tremendous shock to me because I had felt that this person was a hard worker. I had seen the work this person was doing. I felt bad, but also I was relieved for my situation. I questioned God asking why I was getting this gift at someone else's expense. I was confused, frustrated, saddened. I wanted to solve this problem, make it better for the person. In so doing, I would then be jeopardizing my own current circumstance.

When I became part time God told me to be still, be patient. And I tried my best to do that. I did not get involved with the turmoil. I paid attention to the task at hand and even though that was very hard for me it did get easier.

Two weeks back to full time I stumbled upon some emails this former employee had written and was shocked to find that she had been talking about me behind my back. Her perspective was that my part time status was a good thing for me, and bad for her. She was getting all of my work. Here I was struggling to accept this drastic change and cut in pay, and this person felt put upon.

The sad part about it all was that I believed we were becoming friends. I had been there for her quite often and I felt she was becoming that kind of friend to me. I was wrong.

But the lesson here for me has been that at times when I am feeling put upon, treated unfairly and depressed, that there are others with different perspectives on the same situation. Perhaps neither perspective is wrong, perhaps both are childish and insensitive to the other. Regardless, God continues to work with us right where we are. He has one perspective, and when we dwell too much on our selves, we get away from his plan, his mission, his perspective.

Finding Solace with God in my Isolation...

Today I was laying in bed, caught between the time of actually being up and still dreaming. Its this quiet morning time when God gets my attention and I can hear him so clearly. He has been leading me these past few weeks into places I am not always comfortable. Places, thoughts, ideas, dreams that I have closed off, and have chosen not to think about. Lately the question has been "How did I get here? Where is the girl that I once was, or was I ever that girl? Or was I pretending until I was what I thought everyone wanted me to be?" Gently he has let me have these negative thoughts, gently he has led me out of the despair I was feeling. This morning he gave me one word, one thought. Isolation. The idea that I have been isolating myself. Isolating myself from people, activities, events. Shutting everyone out, shutting myself down, and setting up my environment so that it would be difficult for people to get in.

I was surprised by that, but it was true. I have isolated myself from feeling, living, being. My church attendance had become sporadic, my time out of the house less spontaneous and less tied to activities that help to define me. I had become the work, home, work, home person, gaining weight, become less and less physical, canceling time with friends. I was isolating myself so much, that the worse it got, the harder it might become to get myself out of it.

But that is where God steps in. You can't isolate yourself from God and seek him at the same time. I was still seeking him, still looking for answers to my questions, and he has never left me or forsaken me. He stays with us through the turmoil, and he continues to prod, push, move us gently as we make this journey, always closer to him.

So where does this road lead? For now its a slow process. Listening to him, stepping out a bit more, challenging my old ways of thinking and not being afraid to sit in the solace of isolation. It is here where I meet him each day now, listening to his whisper, being obedient to his direction. I am here in this place for a reason, his reason, and rather than creating activity around myself to feel less isolated, I think there is a much bigger lesson that is going to come from this. God is good, and sometimes its in the turmoil that we become better people.

If you find yourself filled with doubt, negative thoughts, insecurity, loneliness, ask God to show you his presence. Give it all to him and let him work the wonder of your life.

I've Been Thinking...Psalm 90:17

Creative Thinkers think a lot, about a great deal of things...all of the time. Lately I have been thinking about my job path, what I want to do with the rest of my life, how I want to do it. This morning during prayer time so much was running through my head. The more those ideas run, the less I move. The circle goes round and round and nothing ever gets completed or finished. It becomes overwhelming. And that is not God at work. God is not about confusion, frustration, guilt, doubt. So I prayed. I have said in earlier posts that since my reduction in hours, I have really had a sense of peace about it. That God knew this was going to happen and wants me to use this time to find my resting place. My passion, my strength, my own success. But at the same time, this mind keeps going jumping from one idea to the other and God works at slowing me down giving me time to think, process.

So in my prayer time I decided I knew what I wanted. I want to have God as my boss all the time. I want to run his company with the highest level of honor and respect for the people it employs whether it be one person or 500. I want the company to be God honoring in all it does. Recession Proof. I don't want to be rich by monetary standards. I am rich already. I want to be healthy. I want to treat people in an honoring way. It then occurred to me that all these "things" that have been happening, have been used to teach me to care for others beyond the normal way of caring. It doesn't matter how others act, it matters how I act, how I respond, how I treat people.

I was in tears by the time I ended that prayer. And I randomly opened the book to this verse:

"May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us;
Establish the work of our hands for us;
yes, establish the work of our hands"

Isn't that beautiful? To know that we can seek God for Everything. He can be Owner and President of our lives and guide us even to the point of determining the work that we do, and how we do it. Its amazing to me as I move through my business plan, life plan, choices I make, that I keep meeting others in the same place. Reaching out to God. Today a woman I met on the crafting site ETSY was emailing me about some work she is doing for me. I had asked her how she got started and she said, "I prayed about it". All around me the Lord is speaking. To me, through the words of others, and to you through the people you meet. Today I choose to start listening more. What verse has moved you lately? What verse was a clear answer to your questions?

Listening to God...Malachi 4:2

When I first made a personal commitment to God and accepted Christ as my Saviour it was only 12 years ago. I had grown up in church, learned all about God, been confirmed, but I didn't get it. It wasn't until 12 years ago where I wanted to understand, wanted something more, and knew that it was through a relationship with God. And when I did, everything changed. Sometimes it was rather difficult, sometimes things turned upside down and there were times when I wondered what I had gotten myself into. I went through comparing my spirituality to how others heard God, and how others prayed, and how others sought God in their lives. How he spoke to them, how they heard them. My life was a constant comparison. I thought God was speaking to me, but it didn't seem as powerful as others talked about. I knew he was there guiding and prodding me or making me think of something and yet, I still doubted that it was him.

There have been a series of challenges I have faced with God, alcoholism in my family, my own alcoholism, rape, divorce, depression, life's challenges, and through all the years looking back I began to see his work in my life, his hands on me, I couldn't doubt it anymore. It made no sense to challenge it or think it was my own actions, my own doing. It made more sense to be thankful. To accept it. And so I began my journey of praise. Praise for everything that God brought to me. Praise for the challenges that were going to make me stronger, praise for the joy, the sadness, the good, the bad. Praise for it all. And my relationship with God became one of wonder. I look and see things differently. I have a sense of wonder about what is possible through God, what he can do in our lives, who he can touch through us and with us. I can and more often have peace in even the most difficult of circumstances. I am not saying that I always get it right, that every day is a good day because it isn't. But I can in the course of the turmoil reflect back on all of my interactions with God and know that together we can get through this one, we can climb that mountain, reach that peak, climb over the hill, walk around or go over the obstacle.

So, last night as I approached my 50th birthday, I was feeling a little low, a little emotional, a little sorry for myself. I don't think it had anything to do with turning 50, but everything to do with basing my life and my success on my job. I had let my job define me again, and again, I had been let down. As you know my hours were reduced to part time. I was no longer a success in my eyes. And yet, when it happened, I felt God's presence telling me it was okay, this was where he wanted me. And I began to doubt. Last night it all culminated into a tear fest.

At about midnight I awoke to the most melodious sound imaginable outside my window of our townhouse. We don't live way out in the country, where noises are to be expected. We live in the suburbs, in a townhouse community just outside the city. The bird was singing so beautifully and all I could think of was "what type of bird sings at midnight"? I couldn't sleep as this bird sang, and sang, and sang...I tried closing the window but it was swollen shut, my husband snoring next to me couldn't hear a thing. At 2:00am this nutty bird was still singing joyfully. You would think at that moment I embraced the joyful little miracle? Clearly a message from God!! NOT. I was tired, I wanted sleep. It wasn't until this morning that I saw the significance.

The next morning I got up determined to figure out what the bird was doing, what bird sings that late at night. Well, its a mockingbird. And believe it or not it holds very symbolic meaning in the many cultures. It was no surprise as I read that he symbolized adaptability, going with the flow, and finding your inner gifts. (Mockingbird) can also help you find your “sacred song” or your life’s purpose and helps you realize your inner talents. Mockingbird will help you act on it without fear.”

The evening before this wonderful song, a red capped woodpecker came to our bird feeder. We have never had one in our back yard and he came back three times. In researching the symbols of all birds, I learned that the Woodpecker symbolizes: tenacity, patience and straightforward actions. My favorite bird is the cardinal, and I come across that bird all the time. In fact, it was one of the first photos I took that I have cherished again right in my front yard. What do you think it symbolizes? He adds balance to life and shows that everything we do is important.

I know that God used my love for nature and the great outdoors to get his message through to me. He sent a beautiful birthday song at midnight to remind me of his power and love for me. He took my love of birds and my curiosity in finding out what bird would sing at midnight to give me the opportunity to read up and hear him through the reading. He gave me renewed hope on the wings of birds.

Four birds have been very visible to me over the past few months, the Eagle, the Cardinal, The Woodpecker and the Mockingbird. And they all brought messages of hope, a challenge to "Go For It' and Let Go and Let God.

"But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings." God is all around us, and we just have to listen for him to reach us in the way that works for us. Its not the same for everyone, his still small voice to me comes in the way of words, nature, and song. When in prayer time, I often feel as though I can't block everything out to let him in, so he comes to me when I am not trying so hard to hear him. He speaks to me in a way that I can comprehend and understand and through it all, I grow closer to him.

How do you hear God? Are you paying attention?

He who has been forgiven little, loves little. Luke 7:47

Over the past week as I drive to work there is statement posted in front of a nearby church that says "Prayer is the key to morning and lock at night". It speaks to every time I drive by it, and it occurred to me that I AM A PRAYING WOMAN! I pray every morning and I am thankful every night. I made a promise to God over 2 years ago about a certain situation in my life. If he got me through it, I would honor him each and every day by being committed to the healing. He did, and I do. But what is so amazing here, is the difference that morning and night time prayer make in my daily routine called life. Sometimes the prayer may be a simple "Thank you God for this life" and other times it may be a litany of all the doubts I have, all the fears, all the troubles. To me it has become more than prayer but a relationship with a dear dear friend, mentor, teacher, leader.

Lately though my thoughts have been a jumble. I am in an unsettled place and it has been said that this is when God is working on you the most. The discomfort, the frustration, the turmoil is not what God intends or wants but it is there because I need to work through it. I need to let go and let God. This morning I came to him with my fears. I want to give it all to him, all the fear, but I also know that much of this I have created myself. It seems to me that I don't deserve his help, nor am I worthy of it. It seems to me that I have to do the work, I have to get up and get moving. There is a certain level of responsibility we all have to correcting or changing our behavior, our actions, our thoughts, words and deeds. For example, if we don't pay our bills, do we expect God to write the check, put it in the mail? No, we have to do the work, we have to mail the bill.

If we don't pay our taxes, will God wipe away the debt? No, its our responsibility to pay the taxes, to fulfill our obligations. We can't wait for God to do the work. But we must seek him for direction, guidance, support IN EVERYTHING WE DO. We must search his words and seek his answers.

So I was reading my bible study and came across this verse: "He who has been forgiven little, loves little". As you read this you might wonder, where in the heck is she going with this? Honestly, I don't quite know, but I do know God has a message for me in this. I am a praying woman. My sins have been forgiven. What right do I have to deny that I have been forgiven for all my sins? It was and is a glorious gift from God, and therefore I have been forgiven much. That means I am loved ALOT. That means I love ALOT. Its kind of a revelation to me. I can't sit in my mess and feel sorry about my predicament. I should not feel alone and helpless when things go awry. I do have God to lean on. It comes down to believing that we are worthy of God's love. We may not always deserve it, but we are his children and he loves us MUCH. We therefore must love much. Love Ourselves, Take Care of Ourselves, and Love others.

So what is the mess? Well, like so many other people, my job has been reduced to part time. I am hurt, feeling unloved, unappreciated, and sorry for myself. I am angry and resentful, and have now begun the process of blaming myself, as if I have done something wrong. Many of us are in this situation today and many of us may not get through the pain it causes. I feel lost and unsure of what to do next. I feel the need "to get out of this" and yet, God is saying, "give this all to me". And I am saying: "But I got myself into this Lord, I have to do the work".

Yes, there is work that needs to be done in my life. Yes, I am going to have to be obedient. But I have been forgiven much. I am loved ALOT. A year from now, as I look back on this journey, I am going to miss this. So perhaps I will work at enjoying the process, the turmoil, the uncertainty. GOD Knows what the future holds, and he has been so very good to me.

I have stilled and quieted my soul...Psalm 131

Well, the day came and while I thought the worst would be a lay off, I was given a pay cut and reduced hours to part time. Have you ever felt like you were outside your body watching yourself react? I can honestly say that I was calm, responded with care, character and integrity and accepted my fate. From the beginning I had this sense of peace. I was confident in my abilities, did not feel threatened by my pay reduction or in responsibilities. But at the same time, while I had peace, my mind was spinning out of control. There was this fear of the possible. I have been working 50+ hours a week, taking on more and more responsibility and now I have one responsibility, a 30% paycut, and a 20 hour work week. The possible was the potential for God's plan for me. I now have no excuses. I need to be patient and wait for his direction.

I know as I look at myself, that this is an opportunity, an actual blessing from God. I can't tell you why I feel that way, but I know it. I have the chance to reinvent myself. I have the opportunity to prove that I can survive anything put in front of me as long as I let God have the reins. I know that the top two people did what they had to do to protect themselves. And it doesn't matter. God knows too. And its his decision regarding how and why things happen. We are all his children. And we will all learn from this experience.

Psalm 131 is a psalm of contentment. Quiet trust in God. The verse that spoke to me: I have stilled and quieted my soul --helped me to see that pride results from overvaluing ourselves and undervaluing others. By realizing that we are all God's Children, then we all have the grace of God, his forgiveness. It doesn't make the attack to my person any easier, there is still the disappointment, anger, shame, embarrassment, even if undeserved. But I know that only blessings will come from it if I continue to honor God by seeking him in all I do. I no longer have to prove myself to others. Humility and trust will affect my perspective and give me the strength and freedom to serve God and others.

Be Still and Know That I am God...Psalm 46

Last year God made it very clear to me that I was to learn to "Be Still and Know that I am God". It was quite a challenge for me as I am never still about anything. In fact, if I can control it, I will. At times making the wrong decisions in spite of what I know. Rash decisions, faulty steps, and in the midst of this God was saying "Be still and know that I am God?" Was he joking? Yet every where I turned, with every decision I made, there was this still small voice saying "Be still, and know that I am God".

Today, the company I work for sent out an email saying each of its employees would be meeting on Tuesday with the boss individually and because of the economy we were going to have to cut back. Immediately the people affected in our small office began to talk, whisper actually. Was I getting laid off, are things really bad, how bad are they? The stomach began to churn and for about 30 minutes I felt ill, and then it came., the still small voice: "Be still and KNOW, that I am God". I sat there and listened, calmly letting the peace settle over me. Whatever happens tomorrow, the Lord God is in control, for HE knows the plans that he has for me. And while I of course will do my best to "BE still" if the worst were to happen, I am sure I may react irrationally, emotionally. But its not my plan right now. My plan right now is to handle it with grace and dignity because I know that he is God. And every day after today, and after the next is all part of his divine plan for me.

It's human to be emotional, and to react to a bad situation. But there is a sense of peace knowing that he knows. That he has a plan for me and that there is something much better in store for me.

A Job, A Career, A Life...

I turn 50 soon, and lately I have been so wrapped up in where my life is, where its going. The thought of another day at the job I have almost makes me ill. Not sure what it is Lord, but things just don't feel right. A new boss that seems to enjoy creating havoc and acting as though he can come in and "clean it all up" . He sounded so great at the time, but lately I am sensing that he stirs up the pot to create an atmosphere of discord so he can then "Come to the Rescue" on our behalf. He doesn't remember the statements he has made, or the requirements. Doesn't respond to email in a timely fashion and them comes to us after the fact with ridiculous comments and suggestions.

Its like working in a vacuum or a time warp or something. I don't think I can trust the situation. I don't think my staying in this environment is healthy, yet I don't know that the alternatives will be much better.

Jeremiah 9 11-13. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans for hope and for a future. If you seek me you will find me when you seek me with all of your heart. " This was the first verse if you ever brought to my attention Lord, and the first verse I memorized. It has guided me on many occasions, and today Lord I ask in your Son's name, to show me the way. You have asked for my full commitment and to let go and let you work in my life, and it is there that I wish to be Lord.

Perhaps I have begun to rely on the new guy more than you. I am not sure, but I sense you telling me that I need to relinquish more of myself to you Lord. Lord, I wish to honor you in all my actions. If its time for me to leave this job, please show me the way. Give me a Peace over what you desire me to do. Help me to follow through on the plans that you have for me, one step at a time. Lord, you know my heart. You know all that I think, feel, breathe. I am full of so many emotions right now, that it leads me to make bad decisions. I don't feel well, and that brings me down too, not adding to the possibilities, but taking away from them.

Help me Lord, please help me to relax and listen to your plans, your desires for me. I know that when you are at my core, my center, and I am filled with the Holy Spirit then I will be in a better place to be guided, directed. I know I am not there yet.

I feel you all around me this morning Lord, from my head to my toes, your presence is everywhere. There is a message here this morning that I have yet to understand. Help me to understand Lord. I don't want to be complacent Lord, I want to be obedient. The song that is in my mind right now is "How do I, get through my life without you, if I had to live without you, what kind of life would that be?" I want you in my life full time Lord. Why this morning am I waking up so weighted down, so sick to my stomach? What is it that I am unaware of? Lord, do you want me to quit my job? Without another? Lord show me the way Lord, please in your Son's name, show me the way.

I know that you will and can accomplish anyting in my life. I also konw that you expect me to think things through and not act irrationally. Quitting my job, without another seems irrational Lord, very irrational. If it's school you desire for me, I will be obedient and schedule an appointment with the college to see what options are available. Lord, if there is someone out there that you have sent in to guide me in this process, please make it known to me today, who it is, and what you want me to know. I promise to listen and apply the message without doubt. In the meantime, until I know for sure otherwise, I will continue in this job. Goodness Lord, every word I write I feel filled with the Holy Spririt. Lord, you are everywhere this morning, surrounding me, my every thought, my every written word. I am yours. Amen. For now, Iwill do my work, keep to myself, until I hear otherwise from you. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Day One.

Dear Father, its no surprise to me that I open the bible to begin the journey and you take me to the first time I ever dedicated my life to you. Jeremiah 4:1-22. What stands out to me in this reading is that I need to begin to live a good honest life. Plow up the ground of my heart and not wast my time in bad areas. I seem clever enough at doing wrong, but have no talent at all for doing right. What amazes me even further is that I am still repeating bad behavior. You are teaching me and I am learning, so we can call that progress, but I long to honor you more. To change these bad habits and live a better life. I want to be able to give back to others; to give back to you.

Thank you for the fact that I can say, I am gaining talent for doing right. I recognize the areas that I need to change and with you as my leader, guide, father, confidant, parent, friend I know I can succeed. I know I challenge you often, and you patiently wait for the doubt, sadness, anger, fear to lessen so that I can hear your voice and direction.

Lord, today I come to you with a commitment to daily bible study, attendance at church. Guide me in the direction you desire me to begin. Help me at work today Lord to remain positive, supportive and not combative. You have touched on me going back to school, considering different options for my career and more, and yet I realize that none of that will be done in a God honoring way if I don't correct my health and my finances. I can't solve a symptom; I have to solve the problem first.

Heavenly Father, I give myself to you today to guide me, teach me, and begin to apply the discipline I need to succeed at the tasks you have set in front of me. In the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, I ask you to show me the way today and all days for the rest of my life. Amen.

Good Morning God, Thank you for another day.

Heavenly Father, you have prodded me over the years to begin keeping a journal. Off and on I have and it has helped to track our progress in changing my life. You have consistently led me in directions I never felt possible and together we have walked a path that has always been the right one for me. Today I begin my journey "live" for everyone to read and see. May this journey of ours reach those people that you know are out there searching for you. May I be honest in every circumstance. How I am feeling, my decisions to listen or ignore. All of it. Let this be an open book into the year that I put all my faith in you. The year that I let go and Let God. While I give you all of it Lord, now that we have accomplished the first task: My Sobriety, I feel that you are leading me to focus this year on the remaining two priorities: My health and well-being and my financial situation. That requires some embarrassing statistics so that we can begin to track our progress. You know it all, but I know that it needs to be my starting point.

I am what doctors call morbidly obese. Not a very kind word, in fact a hurtful word that seems to make me feel so sad. I have had gastric bypass surgery which helped me to lose 140 pounds of which I have maintained loss of. I have been unable to lose more because of the excessive drinking, and because of lack of exercise, and poor eating habits. Today I weigh 326 pounds. I have a hard time getting my self up out of a chair. My back and knees are always in excruciating pain, and it is difficult to do much around the house. I rely on my husband a great deal of the time to do the things I can no longer do because of the energy it takes for me to just get around the house.

My finances...UGH! I seem heck bent on destroying anything good in my life. I have terrible, horrendous credit. I spend every dollar I take in, and barely remember to pay my bills until the past due notice is on and functioning loud and clear. I don't have much credit debit because I can't get a credit card, which I feel is a good thing, but still as I get older, I think its important that I can take care of and support myself. My husband and I have no children, we both hold decent jobs, so the ability to save should be an easy one. But its not. I think I have replaced drinking with spending. Trying to feed some hunger within myself.

I have over the years struggled with depression and probably tried every medication known to man to treat it. I have been at one time diagnosed with low level bi-polar disorder. Lord, you encouraged me to get off all the medications and rely strictly on you. While I don't think this is the message you would offer to others, I think you asked me to do it, because I was relying too much on my excuses and not enough on you. I have not been on medications for a year and sometimes the depression is still there and I find myself struggling to work through it, when in the past I would drink or medicate it away. You have been my lifeline through it all. I think medication is vital to the healing of depression, but for me it wasn't working and I needed to start from the beginning with you Lord, a clean slate so we could learn exactly what was going on. I relied on a very strong support group to gauge my emotions, my mood swings and advise me to get help if they saw the need.

I do not have a savings, our house is in what I call a "hovel" and terrible disrepair and negligence. We have been up before our Association Board with so many external repairs and slowly have been making progress on those items that we would eventually be fined for not addressing. The inside has suffered the most, and it is on most days an extremely overwhelming task. All that needs to be done in my mind is almost impossible. We had a pipe break in our house several years ago and from that we made the choice to spend the insurance money to catch up on bills and work on our house on our own. The money was spent, we are back where we started and we have progressively given up on the house because the task seemed unachievable. There is not one room in the house that I would call livable enough to have guests over but, we did decide to tackle one room at a time, and two rooms, a small reading room and the living room are close to being completed.


Our taxes have been ignored. And just recently I took out a withdrawal my 401k to get my house out of foreclosure. Humiliating statistics Lord but I am putting my faith in you. Giving it all. Exposing it all. May this give other people hope.

The Journey Beginning...

It all happened kind of innocently. Actually it was more like a challenge. I was challenging GOD to do what I had been unable to do on my own. September 12, 2007 after trying AA, Hospital Treatment, Depression Medication, I had reached the end of my rope. I was struggling with alcoholism, I was an alcoholic and even though I woke every morning and said "Today is the day Lord, and each night after drinking myself to sleep praying "Lord, I promise tomorrow will be the day" and the next day I would fail. I was drinking full time now, taking lunch, drinking during lunch, going back to the bar and drinking again. Weekends much of the same. Drink until it was time to go to sleep. Wake up, wait until about 2:00pm and start all over again. I had become addicted to the bar, the wine. I was trying to feed myself, fill myself up, and little did I know that God was about to change my life.

I woke up on September 12, 2007 and challenged GOD. If he would get me through the next 24 hours without drinking, then I would do my part. I was angry. I didn't think he would or could do it, but my Pastor had always preached to me that if we truly handed it over to GOD then he would take control of our lives. My life was way out of control, and I needed God to do it for me.

I would like to tell you that the first 24 hours was hard. It wasn't. Every hour, I did my part, I prayed, and read the bible, and prayed again. 2:00pm came, Happy Hour came, a trip to CVS for a bottle of wine came and passed. I read, drank water, prayed and listened. He gave me 24 hours of sobriety. Didn't seem like much of a big deal, but I had committed to honor that 24 hours. I had broken my promise to the Lord in the past, but this time, I had given him all of it. All of the pain, sadness, failed attempts. ALL OF IT. I wasn't going back.

I expected the next 30 days to be difficult, even the next 60. I honestly didn't trust myself to make it. I didn't even trust God. Every night I want to bed and thanked God for another day of sobriety, thanked him for another day.

The bar didn't entice me, my sleep was never interrupted. There were at times some minor thoughts of how a drink my ease some of my pain, doubt, sadness. But thoughts entered and exited my mind quickly, reinforcing my reserve to give it back to GOD. He protected me. I was shielded for the threats.

September 12, 2008 was my first year of sobriety. That part of my life is in God's hands. Now he is challenging me to give him the rest. You see, I had to focus on just one area of my life. I needed proof that he would perform. Seems pretty arrogant to me doubting God's abilities, but I think it was more about me doubting my worth. Why would God want to help me? After all, I had done so many terrible things. Why me? Well, I constantly reminded myself that I, like everyone else am GOD's child. The more I give it all to him, the more I am honoring him and his son Jesus Christ. Its a very interesting place to be. I see him holding me, hugging me, pulling me up, brushing me off, and starting all over again.

Its time for another challenge. Only this time I think he is challenging me. Challenging me to give it all to him. I am not sure why that is so difficult when time after time he has been there for me. This past year has been a remarkable journey with God. I randomly opened my bible each morning and marked Day 1, 2, 3 etc. He led me through every reading. Every reading was what I needed to hear each day as I walked his path, and not my own. Each day lifted me up, let me know I was not alone. He put some very special people in my life. I asked, he answered. These wonderful women were my strength. They acted as my healthy mind as I regained a sense of myself and came out of the alcoholic fog. I am forever grateful for what he has done, and continues to do for me even through times when I am less receptive.

I am a Christian. I have accepted God's Son Jesus Christ as my Savior and I asked for forgiveness of my sins. When I asked, he answered. He has been with me ever since. He will never leave me. He will never leave you.