Involvng God One Day at a Time

Years ago, I read a book by Hannah Whitall Smith about listening to God, and having complete faith putting God and Jesus Christ as the center of your life. I was fascinated by this woman who knew and believed in God, had accepted Christ as her Savior and lived her life completely in faith. And yet, she never thought he spoke to her, or that she heard from him. She relied solely on her faith and the bible and put her full trust in him.

Me, I needed to hear from him, I needed to be witness to some miracles. I needed to know when he was here, and when he was speaking to me. And when he did, then I wasn't necessarily sure it had been him. I studied him, read everything I could, listened to the words of others on their relationship and constantly struggled to find him, hear from him, know his plan for me. Finally I relaxed and slowly I began to hear his still small voice.

Lately God has been calling my attetion to the vast amount of places where I try to do life on my own not relying on him. It seems I compartmentalize myself deciding those things I should do on my own, and those things that are right to seek his help on. And he wants it all. He wants to me ask for is help,guidance, support, and answers. He wants us to seek him always. And he wants us to have faith in knowing he will answer. He will.

I have proof that he will. I have had miracles in my life. I have asked and he has answered but at times there is this logical side of me that says "Of course that would work out, you worked hard to ensure it did", or "Of course if I manage my finances I will have more financial resources". I recognize that I have to participate in the relationship with God in order to see the results I know I can expect from him, and yet the logical side of my mind says "well, then isn't it me doing the work?". And so it goes, me asking God to come in, me taking back the reins, me seeking God again.

But there are times, usually desparate times when I know God has answered. And yet, I still have doubt. I feel challenged by that, and like Hannah Whitall Smith I am going to focus on letting God in on all things, all my life, all my wants, dreams and desires. For the next 365 days I am going to pray for the simple, the large, the mundane, the work, the home life, the luxury items, everything. I am going to wake up every morning and let God in, and I am going to tell him everything. Everything I want, need and dream about. And I am going to record everything that happens. Because I know that he is faithful, and he does answer prayer, and he will provide all my needs and he knows what I need even before I do. Its silly really that I would een doubt it because I have proof. When I quit drinking, it was God who answered my prayer and took the craving away immediately and I have a years worth of Bible entries/recording to confirm it to myself. Its been three years and I have never craved it again, even after treatment, AA, counselling, depression medication, he simply removed the desire. It was one of my first big miracles and I know that if I let him inmfully, deeply and completely, there is so much more to come. So here I go. A year with God.

What is on my mind as we begin. I need to define my career. I want my own business or to be in a job that I love where I am in charge. I think I want to go back to school. I want my photograqphy business to grow big, really big. I need to get my house renovated and I am overwhelmed financially and with the shear magnitude of it so I don't know where to start. I want to work from home. I don't want to be rich in a big house, but I want to have enough money to be able to help others. I would love a house at the beach, rental property here to provide income so I can do what I want, I have about 200 pounds to lose. I would like to have white perfect teeth, and no sagging skin after I lose the weight. I would love to see my mothers health improve dramatically so we can have many more years together. I want a German Shepherd in our new one level house with a nice yard, an SUV to transport animals, or crafts depending on what I do for my new business. I want to travel more, specifically to Europe, Montana, France, Vermont, Cape Cod, Hawaii, and if I can't have a beach house yet, I would like to be able to go to the beach more often this summer. I want a closer relationship with my Dad and my brothers, and I don't want to agonize over the past anymore. I want a full, honest, open life with kind gentle actions in all I do. I need help with my taxes, planning for retirement, saving money, and paying bills. I would like to learn how people pay $10 for $400 in groceries and I could apply it even a little I would. I have a children's book I have written and it would be wonderful if some publisher would love it so much it would become a book and then a screenplay and would help me with all the other things in my life financially. I want a credit score of 720 or higher within the year. A new home in at least two years. I want to be a good friend to others. A mentor if there is someone who needs it.

I want to be a better wife and I would like my husband to be more involved in our relationship. I would love to have a more vital relationship with him and yet have no idea how to start. I would love for my husband to be interest in travelling with me and it would be great if his company gave him a raise, better benefits and more security nd more vacation time. I want my husband to get his driver's liscense and slow down a bit on his drinking so he can be more involved in our relationship. I want more peace in the progress. To be more sure as thoughts and ideas present themselves. I would love to have children but know my years for that have passed, but perhaps Foster parenting (provided our house is in better shape) or working with children in some way. I want to have a strong relationship with my nephews so that I can be there for them. I want to be the best Aunt possible. I would like to learn Search and Rescue and train a dog to work with me. I want to hike and photograph more and would be so excited if one of my photos was feature in a publication. I think I want to get my CAE certification and if I go back to school would love the company I am currently working for to pay for it all. Oh, and I would like the company I work for to begin contributing to the 401K plan again. I am going to make this into a list, and keep track of it all. I would like green grass to grow in my front yard, and to have our house painted this year. There is so much with regard to the house...new furnance, kitchen, windows, bathroom and more that God knows about, so I won't go into detail, but will record it all as we go.

Most importantly. I want God in my life 24/7 and I know its a two way street. I need to participate and that means getting back to church, reading the bible more consistently and recognizing the miracles all around me. If this journalling can help only one person then I have been obedient to God and that is all that is important. I know it will help me. Let the journey begin. Oh yes, it already has, God knew it all before I did.

Packing Up Christmas Galatians 5: 22-23

I often wonder how people can keep up Christmas Decorations all year round. For me there is such delight in unpacking my ornaments, putting up the lights, and picking the tree each year, that when its time to pack it up, I do so in anticipation of the next year.

I do however, feel a sort of melancholy when the process of "undecorating" begins. Christmas seems to come and go so fast and yet, its such a special time where family and friends get together and we as people come together with love. It is as if there is a sense of expectation. An expectation of love and kindness, patience, self control. As I thought of those words I immediately began to think about the Fruits of the Spirit. How appropriate that as we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, the fruits of the spirit are so strong and prevalent. People are more giving, more compassionate to their fwllow man. The man outside the grocery stores rings the bell for coins, and many of us cheerfully give what we can. We pack food baskets, give gifts to children of prisoners, serve food at Church Shelters, and so much more.

The fruits of the spirit are God's gifts to us and once we accept Jesus Christ as our Saviour they dwell in us while the Holy Spirit convicts us to change. It's up to us to allow God in, to let the Holy Spirit go to work. If we allow him to nourish us, our fruit becomes healthier, stronger. He helps us to become better people all year long. The Christmas Decorations, the joy, the fruits can be alive in us all year long. This year, let your Christmas lights shine all year long.

22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

This is What I Know. Jeremiah 9 11:13

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans for hope and a future. If you seek me you will find me, when you seek me with all of your heart". This is my hearts verse. I am proof of a loving God who doesn't make mistakes, who loves unconditionally and who will never leave me or forsake me.

At one time, were just words to be applied, to memorize, to practice. They held little meaning at one time, and yet I latched on to them finally deciding that in order to experience God I had to let him in. I had to believe all of the bible, all of what it said. The more I began to change my way of thinking, the more that I began to notice God's hands on me, guiding me, changing me, nudging me to be better, stronger, more of a participant in this life here.

I am not perfect. This I know for sure. I make mistakes, I walk off the path a bit, but I catch myself more frequently, get back on the path. I fall in and out of letting God hold the reins and taking the reins in my hands all by myself, but this is what I know. I am proof of what God can do in our lives IF WE LET HIM.

It's not a one sided relationship where we ask and God Answers, it takes work to get to know God. Sometimes very hard work and sometimes he comes to us in our weak moments and shows his grace on us regardless of our mistakes. We are not mistakes in God's eyes, and its such a relief to know that he never leaves us.

Recently I have been challenged in my thoughts and actions. I was in a trench of sorts, trying to dig myself out. Trying to determine my life on my terms. A vendor to our company came in to the office today and he began to share an uncertainty that he was dealing with in his life. I could hear the angst, the pain, the sadness, the discomfort. I prayed to God for patience in listening to him and guidance as to what to say. I was reminded of my own journey and I told him that he should try to enjoy being in the trench for awhile because it means that God is working hard with us to lead us to a blessing we can't even begin to imagine. I firmly believe that sometimes we have to wallow in "Stuff", we have to feel sadness, discomfort, pain in order to grow as Christians.

As I said it I was reminded "Okay God, I am listening", that perhaps I should follow my own guidance. Perhaps I need to settle in for the ride a bit and that I am not alone. God is with me always, and he knows the plan that he has for me. How wonderful it is to know that he took the time to select the perfect plan for his child. I don't know about you, but to me its as if he holds me in his arms all the time. He never lets go, and the more I listen and let him in, the more my plan unfolds.

Grief...Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 A time for Everything...

This week a friend of ours son died of multiple wounds from 2 pit bulls. He was trying to protect a smaller dog from harm and the dogs turned on him. He was a young 20 year old. A kind gentle young man with a huge heart and a wonderful sense of humor. We attended his funeral yesterday and I sat there watching two grieving parents bury their son. The church was filled with over 200 family, friends, friends of family. The sadness, tears, agony, despair was all around us. My husband hesitated about going at first but in the end he knew it was something he had to do. He was worried about what to wear. I told him, "It won't matter what you wear, it will matter that you are there". I was surprised to see the level of support, the range of ages, the different ways of paying respect. It was a Catholic service and I was unfamiliar with the traditions, but I was sure of one thing. God was there.

The Priest said two things that stood out to me. 1) That we often question if the deceased is in heaven. He reminded us that God chose us. 2) The second was that the more the extreme suffering the greater the room for love.

Many were asking "Why God? Why Carter?" I asked What God? What are we to learn here, How will our lives change?" This morning this burden of sadness was still with me. I was tearful, tired, emotional, and I took off on a hiking trail along the water and contemplated this with God. And here were his answers to me.

I have often questioned two things in my relationship with God. This unconditional love that he offers us and the thought that perhaps I don't truly understand what love is or what it feels to love unconditionally. In our humaneness we struggle with unconditional love and if we are honest that sometimes we get so angry with a spouse or child that if even for the briefest moment, our feelings change, and we wonder. Our love is challenged. We may have favorite friends who we care for more, or siblings that we just get along better with, and sometimes we question whether we are truly loving people if we can have such negative thoughts.

But in sight of death, unconditional love emerges. We forget the past, the bad choices, hurtful words, idiosyncrasies of the person who is now gone. I think its because at the moment Jesus takes over in our lives and our hearts are pure. It is in those moments that we are given God's greatest gift. His son Jesus Christ.

It's hard to say how many lives will change from this ordeal. Some may walk away from God feeling the need to blame him for taking this young man so soon. Some may draw closer to him because they know that life is too short. I do not know. Some may find Jesus. And Carter will have the glory of viewing it from Jesus's viewpoint.

I am sure that another life lesson I was to learn from this is that its important that we stop and take time to pour out God's love to everyone we come in contact with. That our mission from God is to Love Him and to Love Others. Those are the two greatest commandments. We sometimes get caught up in daily tasks neglecting what is important. On that dreadful day, no one knew that in the afternoon this young man would be gone. No one knew.

In the midst of great suffering, great love will emerge. Let your love shine through the eyes of Jesus Christ. A wonderful prayer was read during the service and I will print it tomorrow. I think it is a wonderful testament to what can lie ahead for all of us. It is all in God's time. Not ours. Life on earth is short. Live in the present.

If you feed your emptiness with addictions, you will starve to death...Luke: Chapter 9

My addiction for the longest time was alcohol. And if you read past posts of mine you will know that God took that addiction away. To me, its my own miracle. I had suffered with my drinking, but when I laid it down desperately in front of God and begged him to remove it, he did, free and clear, on September 11, almost two years ago. Luke Chapter 9 talks of God feeding thousands with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes. He fills every hungry soul. Isn't that the most beautiful guarantee? How do we accept that into our lives? Remind ourselves that we are his. We don't need to be fed by material wants and needs. He fills every hungry soul.

I don't struggle with alcohol any longer but there are other addictions I deal with: Spending, Shopping, Over eating, procrastination, relationships.

Today while praying and in conversation with God and wondering why I always find myself in this predicament it occurred to me that I have substituted one addiction for another. Why? I asked? Its not like I just happened upon overspending. I have done it for years. But my overspending has now become a focal point now that the alcohol has been removed. The layers of addiction are peeling away like an onion and each layer removed helps me see further into my soul and my relationship with God.

We can't fill the emptiness with food, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, (Fill in the blank). We know the list of things that keep us from growing, from being the best we can be. Only God can fill the empty space, only God can take away the fear, the doubts, the uncertainty. Its a struggle some days. Me, I just want to believe that I can handle it, that I don't need anyone. But the more I rely on God, the more I realize I need him all. I need all of him in me. The Holy Spirit can be a powerful defense against the challenges and struggles of this world. If we would just let him. Are you struggling with something today? If so, know that you are loved. God loves you and he has a plan. He can and he will fill the emptiness with more love than you can possibly imagine. It's Him we need, it's his Son Jesus Christ. I believe this with all that I am.

I am rich in Christ.

I've Been Thinking...Psalm 90:17

Creative Thinkers think a lot, about a great deal of things...all of the time. Lately I have been thinking about my job path, what I want to do with the rest of my life, how I want to do it. This morning during prayer time so much was running through my head. The more those ideas run, the less I move. The circle goes round and round and nothing ever gets completed or finished. It becomes overwhelming. And that is not God at work. God is not about confusion, frustration, guilt, doubt. So I prayed. I have said in earlier posts that since my reduction in hours, I have really had a sense of peace about it. That God knew this was going to happen and wants me to use this time to find my resting place. My passion, my strength, my own success. But at the same time, this mind keeps going jumping from one idea to the other and God works at slowing me down giving me time to think, process.

So in my prayer time I decided I knew what I wanted. I want to have God as my boss all the time. I want to run his company with the highest level of honor and respect for the people it employs whether it be one person or 500. I want the company to be God honoring in all it does. Recession Proof. I don't want to be rich by monetary standards. I am rich already. I want to be healthy. I want to treat people in an honoring way. It then occurred to me that all these "things" that have been happening, have been used to teach me to care for others beyond the normal way of caring. It doesn't matter how others act, it matters how I act, how I respond, how I treat people.

I was in tears by the time I ended that prayer. And I randomly opened the book to this verse:

"May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us;
Establish the work of our hands for us;
yes, establish the work of our hands"

Isn't that beautiful? To know that we can seek God for Everything. He can be Owner and President of our lives and guide us even to the point of determining the work that we do, and how we do it. Its amazing to me as I move through my business plan, life plan, choices I make, that I keep meeting others in the same place. Reaching out to God. Today a woman I met on the crafting site ETSY was emailing me about some work she is doing for me. I had asked her how she got started and she said, "I prayed about it". All around me the Lord is speaking. To me, through the words of others, and to you through the people you meet. Today I choose to start listening more. What verse has moved you lately? What verse was a clear answer to your questions?

He who has been forgiven little, loves little. Luke 7:47

Over the past week as I drive to work there is statement posted in front of a nearby church that says "Prayer is the key to morning and lock at night". It speaks to every time I drive by it, and it occurred to me that I AM A PRAYING WOMAN! I pray every morning and I am thankful every night. I made a promise to God over 2 years ago about a certain situation in my life. If he got me through it, I would honor him each and every day by being committed to the healing. He did, and I do. But what is so amazing here, is the difference that morning and night time prayer make in my daily routine called life. Sometimes the prayer may be a simple "Thank you God for this life" and other times it may be a litany of all the doubts I have, all the fears, all the troubles. To me it has become more than prayer but a relationship with a dear dear friend, mentor, teacher, leader.

Lately though my thoughts have been a jumble. I am in an unsettled place and it has been said that this is when God is working on you the most. The discomfort, the frustration, the turmoil is not what God intends or wants but it is there because I need to work through it. I need to let go and let God. This morning I came to him with my fears. I want to give it all to him, all the fear, but I also know that much of this I have created myself. It seems to me that I don't deserve his help, nor am I worthy of it. It seems to me that I have to do the work, I have to get up and get moving. There is a certain level of responsibility we all have to correcting or changing our behavior, our actions, our thoughts, words and deeds. For example, if we don't pay our bills, do we expect God to write the check, put it in the mail? No, we have to do the work, we have to mail the bill.

If we don't pay our taxes, will God wipe away the debt? No, its our responsibility to pay the taxes, to fulfill our obligations. We can't wait for God to do the work. But we must seek him for direction, guidance, support IN EVERYTHING WE DO. We must search his words and seek his answers.

So I was reading my bible study and came across this verse: "He who has been forgiven little, loves little". As you read this you might wonder, where in the heck is she going with this? Honestly, I don't quite know, but I do know God has a message for me in this. I am a praying woman. My sins have been forgiven. What right do I have to deny that I have been forgiven for all my sins? It was and is a glorious gift from God, and therefore I have been forgiven much. That means I am loved ALOT. That means I love ALOT. Its kind of a revelation to me. I can't sit in my mess and feel sorry about my predicament. I should not feel alone and helpless when things go awry. I do have God to lean on. It comes down to believing that we are worthy of God's love. We may not always deserve it, but we are his children and he loves us MUCH. We therefore must love much. Love Ourselves, Take Care of Ourselves, and Love others.

So what is the mess? Well, like so many other people, my job has been reduced to part time. I am hurt, feeling unloved, unappreciated, and sorry for myself. I am angry and resentful, and have now begun the process of blaming myself, as if I have done something wrong. Many of us are in this situation today and many of us may not get through the pain it causes. I feel lost and unsure of what to do next. I feel the need "to get out of this" and yet, God is saying, "give this all to me". And I am saying: "But I got myself into this Lord, I have to do the work".

Yes, there is work that needs to be done in my life. Yes, I am going to have to be obedient. But I have been forgiven much. I am loved ALOT. A year from now, as I look back on this journey, I am going to miss this. So perhaps I will work at enjoying the process, the turmoil, the uncertainty. GOD Knows what the future holds, and he has been so very good to me.

The Last Supper: John 13: 21

As they shared the last supper, Jesus was troubled in spirit and testified "I tell you the truth, one of you is going to betray me". I have often pondered this statement, wondering why in all his knowing, Jesus continued to love the betrayer, continued to let him into his inner circle, continued to accept and treat him as he did all his disciples? He didn't tell what he knew, he didn't take it to a higher court, he didn't argue with Judas, he just knew.

I have been quite trusting in all my years here on earth. I have believed that people are inherently good, I have trusted what I was told and embraced everyone I came in to contact with. I have shared my story, my life experiences openly and honestly understanding that the information could be used against me. At times it has been and at times people have learned from my experiences, relied on my strength of character. Often times people have suggested I am foolish to be so trusting. Wondered why I share my life like an open book. I think I have always felt that as an open book, I couldn't ever be hurt because I wasn't hiding anything from anyone. There are no surprises. What you see is what you get.

Lately, I have wondered about the word "Friendship". I have struggled with knowing people with all their faults, knowing they may hurt me, and loving them anyway. I fear that I am becoming less trusting, less willing to let people in. Tired of being the one that everyone turns to for strength and goodness, and then being disappointed when they don't reciprocate. And yet, here was Jesus, knowing he was about to die, by someone he trusted, mentored and supported so willingly. Someone who he had "let in". It's remarkable to me. To be able to watch it unfold. By the time he was crucified, he knew that he would be betrayed, denied 3 times, rejected, and more. And yet, he loved them anyway.

Should we expect more from the people that we embrace? Or should we simply give as God requests of us, without expectation? While Jesus let him in, he certainly didn't trust him as he knew he was going to betrayed. Is it possible to love someone, include them and yet not trust them? For me, they go hand in hand. Trust has to be a part of the equation. Doesn't it?

Being Humble...Having Character...even while Hurting Job 39 1-30

Well, the part time status of my job begins April 15th, and its sometimes hard to not let my hurt feelings show. I want to shout "Why me God? What did I do to earn this difficult lesson?" I do have peace about it, but sometimes that little niggling thought enters my head and I find myself obsessing about the unfairness of it all. Today I am at our annual convention. I will come in contact with the Executive Committee, the Board of Directors - those people that are aware of my fate. I want, maybe even expect them to understand how valuable an employee I am and to tell the President "This was a BIG MISTAKE, GET HER BACK!" and then on the other hand I want to see what God does with this. The reality is that no one will probably say anything. Most people would rather believe that everything is okay, that I am okay with it, even when I know I am not okay with it all the time. That is the human side of me and GOD understands. Which makes it that much more peaceful. To me sometimes it seems like a dichotomy. The negative thoughts that sometimes creep up, the insecurity, the Why mes??? compared to the sense of Peace, Joy and Inspiration that comes from this blind space that I am standing on right now getting ready to take God's lead.


This morning I happened on to the The Lord's Challenge to Job. "Who gave the horse its strength, he commands? Did you give the locust the ability to leap forward? Are you the one who makes the hawk soar, and spread its wings to the south?" He asks. Who am I to question the almighty God just because things don't go my way? Rather than complain I need to consider how much he loves me. Complaining blocks out the sight and sound of God, it leaves no room for him to reveal his greater purposes for me. My challenge is recognizing that it may unfold during the course of my life and not at the moment I desire.

I am reminded of a verse from a song by Casting Crowns:

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I don't have all the answers. And when I spend my time looking for them on my own, rather than seeking God's direction, I become wrapped up in a "poor me" mentality and in that place I accomplish nothing.

Lord, I want to seek you in all I do. I am going into an uncomfortable place this week where people know my situation and to my face will act as though everything is right. Help me to honor you in my actions, words and deeds. To think positively and in anticipation of the purpose you have for me and the growth that will come from my submission to your will.

I love you God.

Day Two...Research, Obedience, Discipline

Dear Lord, I missed my journaling last night but I did not miss the study, nor the message in -Luke 1:57. You continue the lesson with me by drawing on the works and studies of Luke, a physician and historian who relied on personal accounts of the people that came in contact with the Lord. Your message reminds me that research (reading the bible), is an act of obedience and a discipline that I can't take for granted as we go through this coming year. To know you, to commit my whole life to you to do as you wish, will require obedience and discipline on my part.

Mary, Joseph, Zackariah and Elizabeth were four people who committed themselves fully to God and their commitment did not come easily. It was filled with your request for what seemed impossible. A childbirth after childbearing years, and a virgin birth! WOW! Could you have tested unbelief any more strongly? You know me and my heart so well Lord. I want the immediate response, the immediate change, and true to your words, just like last year, it takes time, obedience and discipline. This will be a year that will consistently change and grow if I can fully commit my time, my energy and my heart to include all my doubts and my fears to you and your plan for me.

I asked you to guide me yesterday and specifically help me to be less confrontational at work and not so combative. I didn't do so well yesterday and I come to you with my actions, thoughts and words and again ask for your help in changing my heart. I am not sure why Lord, but lately I have acted as though my actions are perfect, and the actions of others are deceitful, and deliberate in their attempts to undermine the company and the leadership. Who am I to judge? And who am I to be rude and demanding? Lord, help me to be a witness to others of what your love can do iand has done in my heart and in my life. Change me Lord, not them. Change me. Bless them with your love and commitment in their lives so that they may have the gift that I have. Fill them with the holy spirit and give them all the blessings they desire. A healthy fulfilling life, joy, financial security, give them all the blessings that I desire and then bless them again. I know that it is through you that I must change my heart. Listening to the Holy Spirit and responding the way you desire and not what I think is best for me, others or even the company. For only you know the plans you have for the company, the members and the people who support it.

I am struggling Lord with my job, and the people that are there. A new additional boss after a year of direct reporting, a disenchanted staff threatening behind backs to leave, talking about others, is to me indications of my need to leave or continuing to trust in your and my bosses even though I sometimes feel they have been deceitful and dishonest, witnessed the clash of egos, and am probably so unaware of many unspoken issues in their own lives that I have no right to judge or condemn.

I am trying to eliminate my participation in the negative yet some times I find myself participating if not starting conversations on my own and in my own head. Please Lord, in these times remind me of my promise and commitment to you. If its time for me to look for another job, or time for me to pursue your plans for me outside this job, then I pray in Jesus name that you show me the way. AMEN.

Day One.

Dear Father, its no surprise to me that I open the bible to begin the journey and you take me to the first time I ever dedicated my life to you. Jeremiah 4:1-22. What stands out to me in this reading is that I need to begin to live a good honest life. Plow up the ground of my heart and not wast my time in bad areas. I seem clever enough at doing wrong, but have no talent at all for doing right. What amazes me even further is that I am still repeating bad behavior. You are teaching me and I am learning, so we can call that progress, but I long to honor you more. To change these bad habits and live a better life. I want to be able to give back to others; to give back to you.

Thank you for the fact that I can say, I am gaining talent for doing right. I recognize the areas that I need to change and with you as my leader, guide, father, confidant, parent, friend I know I can succeed. I know I challenge you often, and you patiently wait for the doubt, sadness, anger, fear to lessen so that I can hear your voice and direction.

Lord, today I come to you with a commitment to daily bible study, attendance at church. Guide me in the direction you desire me to begin. Help me at work today Lord to remain positive, supportive and not combative. You have touched on me going back to school, considering different options for my career and more, and yet I realize that none of that will be done in a God honoring way if I don't correct my health and my finances. I can't solve a symptom; I have to solve the problem first.

Heavenly Father, I give myself to you today to guide me, teach me, and begin to apply the discipline I need to succeed at the tasks you have set in front of me. In the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, I ask you to show me the way today and all days for the rest of my life. Amen.

Good Morning God, Thank you for another day.

Heavenly Father, you have prodded me over the years to begin keeping a journal. Off and on I have and it has helped to track our progress in changing my life. You have consistently led me in directions I never felt possible and together we have walked a path that has always been the right one for me. Today I begin my journey "live" for everyone to read and see. May this journey of ours reach those people that you know are out there searching for you. May I be honest in every circumstance. How I am feeling, my decisions to listen or ignore. All of it. Let this be an open book into the year that I put all my faith in you. The year that I let go and Let God. While I give you all of it Lord, now that we have accomplished the first task: My Sobriety, I feel that you are leading me to focus this year on the remaining two priorities: My health and well-being and my financial situation. That requires some embarrassing statistics so that we can begin to track our progress. You know it all, but I know that it needs to be my starting point.

I am what doctors call morbidly obese. Not a very kind word, in fact a hurtful word that seems to make me feel so sad. I have had gastric bypass surgery which helped me to lose 140 pounds of which I have maintained loss of. I have been unable to lose more because of the excessive drinking, and because of lack of exercise, and poor eating habits. Today I weigh 326 pounds. I have a hard time getting my self up out of a chair. My back and knees are always in excruciating pain, and it is difficult to do much around the house. I rely on my husband a great deal of the time to do the things I can no longer do because of the energy it takes for me to just get around the house.

My finances...UGH! I seem heck bent on destroying anything good in my life. I have terrible, horrendous credit. I spend every dollar I take in, and barely remember to pay my bills until the past due notice is on and functioning loud and clear. I don't have much credit debit because I can't get a credit card, which I feel is a good thing, but still as I get older, I think its important that I can take care of and support myself. My husband and I have no children, we both hold decent jobs, so the ability to save should be an easy one. But its not. I think I have replaced drinking with spending. Trying to feed some hunger within myself.

I have over the years struggled with depression and probably tried every medication known to man to treat it. I have been at one time diagnosed with low level bi-polar disorder. Lord, you encouraged me to get off all the medications and rely strictly on you. While I don't think this is the message you would offer to others, I think you asked me to do it, because I was relying too much on my excuses and not enough on you. I have not been on medications for a year and sometimes the depression is still there and I find myself struggling to work through it, when in the past I would drink or medicate it away. You have been my lifeline through it all. I think medication is vital to the healing of depression, but for me it wasn't working and I needed to start from the beginning with you Lord, a clean slate so we could learn exactly what was going on. I relied on a very strong support group to gauge my emotions, my mood swings and advise me to get help if they saw the need.

I do not have a savings, our house is in what I call a "hovel" and terrible disrepair and negligence. We have been up before our Association Board with so many external repairs and slowly have been making progress on those items that we would eventually be fined for not addressing. The inside has suffered the most, and it is on most days an extremely overwhelming task. All that needs to be done in my mind is almost impossible. We had a pipe break in our house several years ago and from that we made the choice to spend the insurance money to catch up on bills and work on our house on our own. The money was spent, we are back where we started and we have progressively given up on the house because the task seemed unachievable. There is not one room in the house that I would call livable enough to have guests over but, we did decide to tackle one room at a time, and two rooms, a small reading room and the living room are close to being completed.


Our taxes have been ignored. And just recently I took out a withdrawal my 401k to get my house out of foreclosure. Humiliating statistics Lord but I am putting my faith in you. Giving it all. Exposing it all. May this give other people hope.

The Journey Beginning...

It all happened kind of innocently. Actually it was more like a challenge. I was challenging GOD to do what I had been unable to do on my own. September 12, 2007 after trying AA, Hospital Treatment, Depression Medication, I had reached the end of my rope. I was struggling with alcoholism, I was an alcoholic and even though I woke every morning and said "Today is the day Lord, and each night after drinking myself to sleep praying "Lord, I promise tomorrow will be the day" and the next day I would fail. I was drinking full time now, taking lunch, drinking during lunch, going back to the bar and drinking again. Weekends much of the same. Drink until it was time to go to sleep. Wake up, wait until about 2:00pm and start all over again. I had become addicted to the bar, the wine. I was trying to feed myself, fill myself up, and little did I know that God was about to change my life.

I woke up on September 12, 2007 and challenged GOD. If he would get me through the next 24 hours without drinking, then I would do my part. I was angry. I didn't think he would or could do it, but my Pastor had always preached to me that if we truly handed it over to GOD then he would take control of our lives. My life was way out of control, and I needed God to do it for me.

I would like to tell you that the first 24 hours was hard. It wasn't. Every hour, I did my part, I prayed, and read the bible, and prayed again. 2:00pm came, Happy Hour came, a trip to CVS for a bottle of wine came and passed. I read, drank water, prayed and listened. He gave me 24 hours of sobriety. Didn't seem like much of a big deal, but I had committed to honor that 24 hours. I had broken my promise to the Lord in the past, but this time, I had given him all of it. All of the pain, sadness, failed attempts. ALL OF IT. I wasn't going back.

I expected the next 30 days to be difficult, even the next 60. I honestly didn't trust myself to make it. I didn't even trust God. Every night I want to bed and thanked God for another day of sobriety, thanked him for another day.

The bar didn't entice me, my sleep was never interrupted. There were at times some minor thoughts of how a drink my ease some of my pain, doubt, sadness. But thoughts entered and exited my mind quickly, reinforcing my reserve to give it back to GOD. He protected me. I was shielded for the threats.

September 12, 2008 was my first year of sobriety. That part of my life is in God's hands. Now he is challenging me to give him the rest. You see, I had to focus on just one area of my life. I needed proof that he would perform. Seems pretty arrogant to me doubting God's abilities, but I think it was more about me doubting my worth. Why would God want to help me? After all, I had done so many terrible things. Why me? Well, I constantly reminded myself that I, like everyone else am GOD's child. The more I give it all to him, the more I am honoring him and his son Jesus Christ. Its a very interesting place to be. I see him holding me, hugging me, pulling me up, brushing me off, and starting all over again.

Its time for another challenge. Only this time I think he is challenging me. Challenging me to give it all to him. I am not sure why that is so difficult when time after time he has been there for me. This past year has been a remarkable journey with God. I randomly opened my bible each morning and marked Day 1, 2, 3 etc. He led me through every reading. Every reading was what I needed to hear each day as I walked his path, and not my own. Each day lifted me up, let me know I was not alone. He put some very special people in my life. I asked, he answered. These wonderful women were my strength. They acted as my healthy mind as I regained a sense of myself and came out of the alcoholic fog. I am forever grateful for what he has done, and continues to do for me even through times when I am less receptive.

I am a Christian. I have accepted God's Son Jesus Christ as my Savior and I asked for forgiveness of my sins. When I asked, he answered. He has been with me ever since. He will never leave me. He will never leave you.