I Am Always Amazed by His Knowing..Day 1

Today I started the 365 day plan with God. I wrote in my Journal: Dear Lord, I am excited about this journey with you. I have spent so much time and energy trying to do this on my own, with others, but also without you fully and completely in my life in all areas. I am prepared for hard work and for change. I pray for answered prayers, for miracles beyond my wilddest expectations. Create a new spirit within me. You have wiped my slate clean and I know you have been waiting for me to make this renewed committment. You know my heart Lord, my needs, my circumstances, my wants and desires. You know right where I am this very moment. As in past journal entries, this is no longer a journey about depression or drinking, you have healed me. Thank you. There is still much to do but this time I come to you fully and completely clear headed. Thank you for such an amazing miracle in my life.

As I have always done with God, I then open the book randomly turn to a page, and here is where I landed: Phillipians 4-7 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again. Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to the Lord. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which trancends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." It goes on to say the God of Peace will be with you. There was my message for the day.

Guidelines for this Day: Pray, replace negatives, inpure thoughts, books, movies, people, places with positive ones. Ask God. Practice. Live out God's meaning. Put it into practice. Be obedient to God's word. Be content regardless.

End of the Day Thanksgiving: My husband and I spent some quality time together. My Dad handed me money to cover the expense of the Easter meal which we just happen to really need at the time. We made progress in the house cleaning and getting a pile together of unnecessary stuff to take to good will. Thank you Lord for providing for us and answering my prayers. I need some direction on working out, fitness, training and the expense of it all.

Losing Out on His Love. Psalms 105:4 Seek His Face Always.

Its been awhile since I have posted. Not sure what to call it other than a "break", a catharsis, a mistake. Because for awhile I have neglected my relationship with God. I have kept him in my heart drawing on his strength in difficult times but not putting my effort and time into this relationship. There were many excuses, an illness, a death in the family, job issues, etc. etc. etc. It wasn't only the attending church issue, I went from a daily bible study and devotional time with God to next to no time with God, and its a wonder to me that it happens so quickly and without my attention.

I could beat myself up for it, could get discouraged and feel bad but God is a forever friend. He does leave us simply because we have become lazy or neglectful. When we are ready to come back to him, his arms are wide open, welcoming us home.

I have missed out though. That time away from him, have left me with an emptiness and I want it back. I have talked to non believers through the years, and sometimes wonder if I could ever walk away. If I could accept my inability to keep up with the relationship. The answer is no. God has given to me an unconditional love again, and again, and again. My life is a testimony. Miracles abound, and to know that, to have that proof reminds me that its time to get back on track.

If there is someone out there who has been there, or is there, I encourage you to know that with God, there is always hope. When you let him in to your life, when you accept his Son as your Saviour, he grabs hold of your heart and never lets you go. Simply get on your knees and talk to him. His arms are wide open, his heart is yours. He will always be there.

This devotional arrived in my inbox today. I think God was talking to me!

If you're not choosing to spend regular time with God, then you're choosing to die spiritually.

Bible Verse Challenge...

I had an "aha" moment with God today and usually a verse comes to mind, or I see it on a license plate or I turn right to it in the bible, but today nothing came. I know it will, he teaches me that way, but I thought rather than wait for the verse why not share my story with you while I wait for his voice. Perhaps he wants the verse to come to me from you. Someone will find this blog, and know the exact verse that applies to me and the lesson. But if not now, I know it will come.

I have so often agonized over my job, I wake thinking about it, I argue it out in my head, I anticipate problems before they happen and even though they usually do and I am always prepared when they come, I find that its not the most healthy place to be. First it takes me away from quiet time with God, Second, it gets me all riled up about the job and I become obsessed with the job and forget about all that surrounds me.

Today God told me that work is to take 8 hours. After that, its my time. Time with my family, my friends, my husband. I devote 8 hours of strong, hard steady work to my job, and then that is it. The rest of the time is time spent on me, my relationship with God, my relationship with my family. Work will have to wait.

For me, this was a jolt to my daily routine of waking up, thinking about what lies ahead, feeling miserable and not wanting to go in, blah, blah, blah. Today I approached it differently. I owe them 8 focused hours. That is it. So on the way home, my husband and I talked about other things, made plans for our vacation, cooked dinner together.

I came home and didn't check my emails, and it is a little difficult breaking the habit, but I turned off the blackberry, we ate dinner on time, I was able to sort through some mail, make my husband's lunch. I had more energy, more time for me, more time for us. I was even friendlier.

I seem to have lost track of what was important. The job pays the bills. The title, the pay, the status means nothing to the Lord all he wants is a relationship with me. He wants me to put my priorities in other places. Places I have neglected. Its going to be an interesting journey over the next few weeks. I know its all part of his plan. It's so exciting to have someone so focused on me as his child. And we all can have that relationship with him. We can all let it go and let him do his work in us.

You know some might shy away from or ignore the lessons that God has for us, or even his plans. But lately I have found that by sitting still, listening to him, doing my best to hear and follow his direction is well worth the investment. Less stress, more time, more peace. A restful place to land.

If you feed your emptiness with addictions, you will starve to death...Luke: Chapter 9

My addiction for the longest time was alcohol. And if you read past posts of mine you will know that God took that addiction away. To me, its my own miracle. I had suffered with my drinking, but when I laid it down desperately in front of God and begged him to remove it, he did, free and clear, on September 11, almost two years ago. Luke Chapter 9 talks of God feeding thousands with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes. He fills every hungry soul. Isn't that the most beautiful guarantee? How do we accept that into our lives? Remind ourselves that we are his. We don't need to be fed by material wants and needs. He fills every hungry soul.

I don't struggle with alcohol any longer but there are other addictions I deal with: Spending, Shopping, Over eating, procrastination, relationships.

Today while praying and in conversation with God and wondering why I always find myself in this predicament it occurred to me that I have substituted one addiction for another. Why? I asked? Its not like I just happened upon overspending. I have done it for years. But my overspending has now become a focal point now that the alcohol has been removed. The layers of addiction are peeling away like an onion and each layer removed helps me see further into my soul and my relationship with God.

We can't fill the emptiness with food, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, (Fill in the blank). We know the list of things that keep us from growing, from being the best we can be. Only God can fill the empty space, only God can take away the fear, the doubts, the uncertainty. Its a struggle some days. Me, I just want to believe that I can handle it, that I don't need anyone. But the more I rely on God, the more I realize I need him all. I need all of him in me. The Holy Spirit can be a powerful defense against the challenges and struggles of this world. If we would just let him. Are you struggling with something today? If so, know that you are loved. God loves you and he has a plan. He can and he will fill the emptiness with more love than you can possibly imagine. It's Him we need, it's his Son Jesus Christ. I believe this with all that I am.

I am rich in Christ.

Listening to God...Malachi 4:2

When I first made a personal commitment to God and accepted Christ as my Saviour it was only 12 years ago. I had grown up in church, learned all about God, been confirmed, but I didn't get it. It wasn't until 12 years ago where I wanted to understand, wanted something more, and knew that it was through a relationship with God. And when I did, everything changed. Sometimes it was rather difficult, sometimes things turned upside down and there were times when I wondered what I had gotten myself into. I went through comparing my spirituality to how others heard God, and how others prayed, and how others sought God in their lives. How he spoke to them, how they heard them. My life was a constant comparison. I thought God was speaking to me, but it didn't seem as powerful as others talked about. I knew he was there guiding and prodding me or making me think of something and yet, I still doubted that it was him.

There have been a series of challenges I have faced with God, alcoholism in my family, my own alcoholism, rape, divorce, depression, life's challenges, and through all the years looking back I began to see his work in my life, his hands on me, I couldn't doubt it anymore. It made no sense to challenge it or think it was my own actions, my own doing. It made more sense to be thankful. To accept it. And so I began my journey of praise. Praise for everything that God brought to me. Praise for the challenges that were going to make me stronger, praise for the joy, the sadness, the good, the bad. Praise for it all. And my relationship with God became one of wonder. I look and see things differently. I have a sense of wonder about what is possible through God, what he can do in our lives, who he can touch through us and with us. I can and more often have peace in even the most difficult of circumstances. I am not saying that I always get it right, that every day is a good day because it isn't. But I can in the course of the turmoil reflect back on all of my interactions with God and know that together we can get through this one, we can climb that mountain, reach that peak, climb over the hill, walk around or go over the obstacle.

So, last night as I approached my 50th birthday, I was feeling a little low, a little emotional, a little sorry for myself. I don't think it had anything to do with turning 50, but everything to do with basing my life and my success on my job. I had let my job define me again, and again, I had been let down. As you know my hours were reduced to part time. I was no longer a success in my eyes. And yet, when it happened, I felt God's presence telling me it was okay, this was where he wanted me. And I began to doubt. Last night it all culminated into a tear fest.

At about midnight I awoke to the most melodious sound imaginable outside my window of our townhouse. We don't live way out in the country, where noises are to be expected. We live in the suburbs, in a townhouse community just outside the city. The bird was singing so beautifully and all I could think of was "what type of bird sings at midnight"? I couldn't sleep as this bird sang, and sang, and sang...I tried closing the window but it was swollen shut, my husband snoring next to me couldn't hear a thing. At 2:00am this nutty bird was still singing joyfully. You would think at that moment I embraced the joyful little miracle? Clearly a message from God!! NOT. I was tired, I wanted sleep. It wasn't until this morning that I saw the significance.

The next morning I got up determined to figure out what the bird was doing, what bird sings that late at night. Well, its a mockingbird. And believe it or not it holds very symbolic meaning in the many cultures. It was no surprise as I read that he symbolized adaptability, going with the flow, and finding your inner gifts. (Mockingbird) can also help you find your “sacred song” or your life’s purpose and helps you realize your inner talents. Mockingbird will help you act on it without fear.”

The evening before this wonderful song, a red capped woodpecker came to our bird feeder. We have never had one in our back yard and he came back three times. In researching the symbols of all birds, I learned that the Woodpecker symbolizes: tenacity, patience and straightforward actions. My favorite bird is the cardinal, and I come across that bird all the time. In fact, it was one of the first photos I took that I have cherished again right in my front yard. What do you think it symbolizes? He adds balance to life and shows that everything we do is important.

I know that God used my love for nature and the great outdoors to get his message through to me. He sent a beautiful birthday song at midnight to remind me of his power and love for me. He took my love of birds and my curiosity in finding out what bird would sing at midnight to give me the opportunity to read up and hear him through the reading. He gave me renewed hope on the wings of birds.

Four birds have been very visible to me over the past few months, the Eagle, the Cardinal, The Woodpecker and the Mockingbird. And they all brought messages of hope, a challenge to "Go For It' and Let Go and Let God.

"But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings." God is all around us, and we just have to listen for him to reach us in the way that works for us. Its not the same for everyone, his still small voice to me comes in the way of words, nature, and song. When in prayer time, I often feel as though I can't block everything out to let him in, so he comes to me when I am not trying so hard to hear him. He speaks to me in a way that I can comprehend and understand and through it all, I grow closer to him.

How do you hear God? Are you paying attention?

He who has been forgiven little, loves little. Luke 7:47

Over the past week as I drive to work there is statement posted in front of a nearby church that says "Prayer is the key to morning and lock at night". It speaks to every time I drive by it, and it occurred to me that I AM A PRAYING WOMAN! I pray every morning and I am thankful every night. I made a promise to God over 2 years ago about a certain situation in my life. If he got me through it, I would honor him each and every day by being committed to the healing. He did, and I do. But what is so amazing here, is the difference that morning and night time prayer make in my daily routine called life. Sometimes the prayer may be a simple "Thank you God for this life" and other times it may be a litany of all the doubts I have, all the fears, all the troubles. To me it has become more than prayer but a relationship with a dear dear friend, mentor, teacher, leader.

Lately though my thoughts have been a jumble. I am in an unsettled place and it has been said that this is when God is working on you the most. The discomfort, the frustration, the turmoil is not what God intends or wants but it is there because I need to work through it. I need to let go and let God. This morning I came to him with my fears. I want to give it all to him, all the fear, but I also know that much of this I have created myself. It seems to me that I don't deserve his help, nor am I worthy of it. It seems to me that I have to do the work, I have to get up and get moving. There is a certain level of responsibility we all have to correcting or changing our behavior, our actions, our thoughts, words and deeds. For example, if we don't pay our bills, do we expect God to write the check, put it in the mail? No, we have to do the work, we have to mail the bill.

If we don't pay our taxes, will God wipe away the debt? No, its our responsibility to pay the taxes, to fulfill our obligations. We can't wait for God to do the work. But we must seek him for direction, guidance, support IN EVERYTHING WE DO. We must search his words and seek his answers.

So I was reading my bible study and came across this verse: "He who has been forgiven little, loves little". As you read this you might wonder, where in the heck is she going with this? Honestly, I don't quite know, but I do know God has a message for me in this. I am a praying woman. My sins have been forgiven. What right do I have to deny that I have been forgiven for all my sins? It was and is a glorious gift from God, and therefore I have been forgiven much. That means I am loved ALOT. That means I love ALOT. Its kind of a revelation to me. I can't sit in my mess and feel sorry about my predicament. I should not feel alone and helpless when things go awry. I do have God to lean on. It comes down to believing that we are worthy of God's love. We may not always deserve it, but we are his children and he loves us MUCH. We therefore must love much. Love Ourselves, Take Care of Ourselves, and Love others.

So what is the mess? Well, like so many other people, my job has been reduced to part time. I am hurt, feeling unloved, unappreciated, and sorry for myself. I am angry and resentful, and have now begun the process of blaming myself, as if I have done something wrong. Many of us are in this situation today and many of us may not get through the pain it causes. I feel lost and unsure of what to do next. I feel the need "to get out of this" and yet, God is saying, "give this all to me". And I am saying: "But I got myself into this Lord, I have to do the work".

Yes, there is work that needs to be done in my life. Yes, I am going to have to be obedient. But I have been forgiven much. I am loved ALOT. A year from now, as I look back on this journey, I am going to miss this. So perhaps I will work at enjoying the process, the turmoil, the uncertainty. GOD Knows what the future holds, and he has been so very good to me.

Hebrews 11:1

I saw this on a license plate yesterday and came home to read it and was so amazed. God reaches me in such subtle, yet in your face ways. Putting my faith in that which I can't see. I turn 50 in less than a year and I feel being led to quit my job and go back to school. I believe my call from God is to teach and do that I have to go back to school and finish what I started a very long time ago. All of it sounds so scary and yet he asks us to give ourselves to him for his plan. Me, I just want to know for sure. I am uncomfortable being led blindly and it seems that God and I deal with that often. He has never, ever led me wrong, he had never misled me yet, I still doubt, still struggle.

Heavenly Father help me to change my disbelief. What you have done in my life in just one year is a miracle of its own. I have no reason to doubt your plans for me. I have no reason to ignore what you are telling me, and yet I do. Is it fear, denial? I will follow you. I commit myself to you to do your will. I know you can make what seems impossible, possible and I know that it can only be done if I let go and give it all to you.

Show me the next step you wnat me to take Lord. Show me the next step. While you are on your time schedule, I will do my best to be obedient. I know there are some things that I have to correct in order to reap the full benefit of your plans for me. There is no doubt in my mind, that all your plans for me are plans of hope, a future, love and a joy that can't be felt without you in the middle of it.

If school is part of the plan, then school it is. Show me Lord how. Show me the next step. What is it you desire of me?

Lord hear my prayers. Bless those that I have trouble with, bless them ten fold and if they are not Christians, I pray that they begin to seek you. Help them in their work, in their personal life, and in their relationship with you. Bless my family Lord and keep them all safe and healthy. I pray for my friend Linda. Lord, if the house is part of your plan for her, let her have the ability to buy it without having to rely on others. Thank you Lord for the beautiful day you gave us to day for our church picnic. It was a glorious day and one that allowed me to meet a wonderful new friend. Thank you.

Forgive me for getting involved in the gossip. I want so badly to find a way to remove myself from these types of conversations and not participate in conversations meant to drag others down. There just isn't enough time for that kind of behaviour. I participated by simply listening. I want to get better at walking away.

Day Three...

Dear Father, Last night I came home feeling lost, frustrated and alone because I am unsure and uncomfortable in my work surroundings. I feel fear of this new unknown. People around me seem to be isolating themselves, or insulating themselves from the surroundings. I seem to be in a non participatory environment. People don't want to communicate, support or work together for a common good. That is how I feel. Are my feelings right and just Lord?

You directed me to several passages: Proverbs 6:15, 18-23, 7-8. You immediately brought to my attention my actions, my words, my responsibilities while also acknowledging that you are giving me the wisdom to act accordingly. It seems difficult for me right now to have the wisdom and be aware of what is going on around me at the same time trusting in you to deal with it as part of your promise to me. My desire or first response is to react, or act on the issue. Solve the problem, defend myself and many times defend and protect others and you are telling me to simple focus on my job, be obedient and focused. I guess I can see that by focusing on others and actions of many I reduce my effectiveness in my own job. By focusing on my work and my responsibilities I will be responding to you and your plans for me, This is such a challenge and a struggle for me Lord. This is big. I always feel the need to protect myself, justify what is going on, find the reasoning behind it, try to solve it (unsuccessfully I might add!) I come to you again in prayer asking you to change me Lord. Today let me be totally focused on my job and not get entrenched in gossip and what on the surface appears to be wise words from above when in fact its masked as leadership and is exactly what others are doing, gossiping, creating doubt and ill will. Its not up to me to find the reasoning behind others actions, yet the wisdom you give me can help me to react and respond according to your will. Right now, you are asking me to "Be Still and Know that you are GOD. Thank you my dear father. Teach me to focuse on and listen to you. AMEN

Day Two...Research, Obedience, Discipline

Dear Lord, I missed my journaling last night but I did not miss the study, nor the message in -Luke 1:57. You continue the lesson with me by drawing on the works and studies of Luke, a physician and historian who relied on personal accounts of the people that came in contact with the Lord. Your message reminds me that research (reading the bible), is an act of obedience and a discipline that I can't take for granted as we go through this coming year. To know you, to commit my whole life to you to do as you wish, will require obedience and discipline on my part.

Mary, Joseph, Zackariah and Elizabeth were four people who committed themselves fully to God and their commitment did not come easily. It was filled with your request for what seemed impossible. A childbirth after childbearing years, and a virgin birth! WOW! Could you have tested unbelief any more strongly? You know me and my heart so well Lord. I want the immediate response, the immediate change, and true to your words, just like last year, it takes time, obedience and discipline. This will be a year that will consistently change and grow if I can fully commit my time, my energy and my heart to include all my doubts and my fears to you and your plan for me.

I asked you to guide me yesterday and specifically help me to be less confrontational at work and not so combative. I didn't do so well yesterday and I come to you with my actions, thoughts and words and again ask for your help in changing my heart. I am not sure why Lord, but lately I have acted as though my actions are perfect, and the actions of others are deceitful, and deliberate in their attempts to undermine the company and the leadership. Who am I to judge? And who am I to be rude and demanding? Lord, help me to be a witness to others of what your love can do iand has done in my heart and in my life. Change me Lord, not them. Change me. Bless them with your love and commitment in their lives so that they may have the gift that I have. Fill them with the holy spirit and give them all the blessings they desire. A healthy fulfilling life, joy, financial security, give them all the blessings that I desire and then bless them again. I know that it is through you that I must change my heart. Listening to the Holy Spirit and responding the way you desire and not what I think is best for me, others or even the company. For only you know the plans you have for the company, the members and the people who support it.

I am struggling Lord with my job, and the people that are there. A new additional boss after a year of direct reporting, a disenchanted staff threatening behind backs to leave, talking about others, is to me indications of my need to leave or continuing to trust in your and my bosses even though I sometimes feel they have been deceitful and dishonest, witnessed the clash of egos, and am probably so unaware of many unspoken issues in their own lives that I have no right to judge or condemn.

I am trying to eliminate my participation in the negative yet some times I find myself participating if not starting conversations on my own and in my own head. Please Lord, in these times remind me of my promise and commitment to you. If its time for me to look for another job, or time for me to pursue your plans for me outside this job, then I pray in Jesus name that you show me the way. AMEN.

Day One.

Dear Father, its no surprise to me that I open the bible to begin the journey and you take me to the first time I ever dedicated my life to you. Jeremiah 4:1-22. What stands out to me in this reading is that I need to begin to live a good honest life. Plow up the ground of my heart and not wast my time in bad areas. I seem clever enough at doing wrong, but have no talent at all for doing right. What amazes me even further is that I am still repeating bad behavior. You are teaching me and I am learning, so we can call that progress, but I long to honor you more. To change these bad habits and live a better life. I want to be able to give back to others; to give back to you.

Thank you for the fact that I can say, I am gaining talent for doing right. I recognize the areas that I need to change and with you as my leader, guide, father, confidant, parent, friend I know I can succeed. I know I challenge you often, and you patiently wait for the doubt, sadness, anger, fear to lessen so that I can hear your voice and direction.

Lord, today I come to you with a commitment to daily bible study, attendance at church. Guide me in the direction you desire me to begin. Help me at work today Lord to remain positive, supportive and not combative. You have touched on me going back to school, considering different options for my career and more, and yet I realize that none of that will be done in a God honoring way if I don't correct my health and my finances. I can't solve a symptom; I have to solve the problem first.

Heavenly Father, I give myself to you today to guide me, teach me, and begin to apply the discipline I need to succeed at the tasks you have set in front of me. In the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, I ask you to show me the way today and all days for the rest of my life. Amen.

Good Morning God, Thank you for another day.

Heavenly Father, you have prodded me over the years to begin keeping a journal. Off and on I have and it has helped to track our progress in changing my life. You have consistently led me in directions I never felt possible and together we have walked a path that has always been the right one for me. Today I begin my journey "live" for everyone to read and see. May this journey of ours reach those people that you know are out there searching for you. May I be honest in every circumstance. How I am feeling, my decisions to listen or ignore. All of it. Let this be an open book into the year that I put all my faith in you. The year that I let go and Let God. While I give you all of it Lord, now that we have accomplished the first task: My Sobriety, I feel that you are leading me to focus this year on the remaining two priorities: My health and well-being and my financial situation. That requires some embarrassing statistics so that we can begin to track our progress. You know it all, but I know that it needs to be my starting point.

I am what doctors call morbidly obese. Not a very kind word, in fact a hurtful word that seems to make me feel so sad. I have had gastric bypass surgery which helped me to lose 140 pounds of which I have maintained loss of. I have been unable to lose more because of the excessive drinking, and because of lack of exercise, and poor eating habits. Today I weigh 326 pounds. I have a hard time getting my self up out of a chair. My back and knees are always in excruciating pain, and it is difficult to do much around the house. I rely on my husband a great deal of the time to do the things I can no longer do because of the energy it takes for me to just get around the house.

My finances...UGH! I seem heck bent on destroying anything good in my life. I have terrible, horrendous credit. I spend every dollar I take in, and barely remember to pay my bills until the past due notice is on and functioning loud and clear. I don't have much credit debit because I can't get a credit card, which I feel is a good thing, but still as I get older, I think its important that I can take care of and support myself. My husband and I have no children, we both hold decent jobs, so the ability to save should be an easy one. But its not. I think I have replaced drinking with spending. Trying to feed some hunger within myself.

I have over the years struggled with depression and probably tried every medication known to man to treat it. I have been at one time diagnosed with low level bi-polar disorder. Lord, you encouraged me to get off all the medications and rely strictly on you. While I don't think this is the message you would offer to others, I think you asked me to do it, because I was relying too much on my excuses and not enough on you. I have not been on medications for a year and sometimes the depression is still there and I find myself struggling to work through it, when in the past I would drink or medicate it away. You have been my lifeline through it all. I think medication is vital to the healing of depression, but for me it wasn't working and I needed to start from the beginning with you Lord, a clean slate so we could learn exactly what was going on. I relied on a very strong support group to gauge my emotions, my mood swings and advise me to get help if they saw the need.

I do not have a savings, our house is in what I call a "hovel" and terrible disrepair and negligence. We have been up before our Association Board with so many external repairs and slowly have been making progress on those items that we would eventually be fined for not addressing. The inside has suffered the most, and it is on most days an extremely overwhelming task. All that needs to be done in my mind is almost impossible. We had a pipe break in our house several years ago and from that we made the choice to spend the insurance money to catch up on bills and work on our house on our own. The money was spent, we are back where we started and we have progressively given up on the house because the task seemed unachievable. There is not one room in the house that I would call livable enough to have guests over but, we did decide to tackle one room at a time, and two rooms, a small reading room and the living room are close to being completed.


Our taxes have been ignored. And just recently I took out a withdrawal my 401k to get my house out of foreclosure. Humiliating statistics Lord but I am putting my faith in you. Giving it all. Exposing it all. May this give other people hope.

The Journey Beginning...

It all happened kind of innocently. Actually it was more like a challenge. I was challenging GOD to do what I had been unable to do on my own. September 12, 2007 after trying AA, Hospital Treatment, Depression Medication, I had reached the end of my rope. I was struggling with alcoholism, I was an alcoholic and even though I woke every morning and said "Today is the day Lord, and each night after drinking myself to sleep praying "Lord, I promise tomorrow will be the day" and the next day I would fail. I was drinking full time now, taking lunch, drinking during lunch, going back to the bar and drinking again. Weekends much of the same. Drink until it was time to go to sleep. Wake up, wait until about 2:00pm and start all over again. I had become addicted to the bar, the wine. I was trying to feed myself, fill myself up, and little did I know that God was about to change my life.

I woke up on September 12, 2007 and challenged GOD. If he would get me through the next 24 hours without drinking, then I would do my part. I was angry. I didn't think he would or could do it, but my Pastor had always preached to me that if we truly handed it over to GOD then he would take control of our lives. My life was way out of control, and I needed God to do it for me.

I would like to tell you that the first 24 hours was hard. It wasn't. Every hour, I did my part, I prayed, and read the bible, and prayed again. 2:00pm came, Happy Hour came, a trip to CVS for a bottle of wine came and passed. I read, drank water, prayed and listened. He gave me 24 hours of sobriety. Didn't seem like much of a big deal, but I had committed to honor that 24 hours. I had broken my promise to the Lord in the past, but this time, I had given him all of it. All of the pain, sadness, failed attempts. ALL OF IT. I wasn't going back.

I expected the next 30 days to be difficult, even the next 60. I honestly didn't trust myself to make it. I didn't even trust God. Every night I want to bed and thanked God for another day of sobriety, thanked him for another day.

The bar didn't entice me, my sleep was never interrupted. There were at times some minor thoughts of how a drink my ease some of my pain, doubt, sadness. But thoughts entered and exited my mind quickly, reinforcing my reserve to give it back to GOD. He protected me. I was shielded for the threats.

September 12, 2008 was my first year of sobriety. That part of my life is in God's hands. Now he is challenging me to give him the rest. You see, I had to focus on just one area of my life. I needed proof that he would perform. Seems pretty arrogant to me doubting God's abilities, but I think it was more about me doubting my worth. Why would God want to help me? After all, I had done so many terrible things. Why me? Well, I constantly reminded myself that I, like everyone else am GOD's child. The more I give it all to him, the more I am honoring him and his son Jesus Christ. Its a very interesting place to be. I see him holding me, hugging me, pulling me up, brushing me off, and starting all over again.

Its time for another challenge. Only this time I think he is challenging me. Challenging me to give it all to him. I am not sure why that is so difficult when time after time he has been there for me. This past year has been a remarkable journey with God. I randomly opened my bible each morning and marked Day 1, 2, 3 etc. He led me through every reading. Every reading was what I needed to hear each day as I walked his path, and not my own. Each day lifted me up, let me know I was not alone. He put some very special people in my life. I asked, he answered. These wonderful women were my strength. They acted as my healthy mind as I regained a sense of myself and came out of the alcoholic fog. I am forever grateful for what he has done, and continues to do for me even through times when I am less receptive.

I am a Christian. I have accepted God's Son Jesus Christ as my Savior and I asked for forgiveness of my sins. When I asked, he answered. He has been with me ever since. He will never leave me. He will never leave you.