I've Been Thinking...Psalm 90:17

Creative Thinkers think a lot, about a great deal of things...all of the time. Lately I have been thinking about my job path, what I want to do with the rest of my life, how I want to do it. This morning during prayer time so much was running through my head. The more those ideas run, the less I move. The circle goes round and round and nothing ever gets completed or finished. It becomes overwhelming. And that is not God at work. God is not about confusion, frustration, guilt, doubt. So I prayed. I have said in earlier posts that since my reduction in hours, I have really had a sense of peace about it. That God knew this was going to happen and wants me to use this time to find my resting place. My passion, my strength, my own success. But at the same time, this mind keeps going jumping from one idea to the other and God works at slowing me down giving me time to think, process.

So in my prayer time I decided I knew what I wanted. I want to have God as my boss all the time. I want to run his company with the highest level of honor and respect for the people it employs whether it be one person or 500. I want the company to be God honoring in all it does. Recession Proof. I don't want to be rich by monetary standards. I am rich already. I want to be healthy. I want to treat people in an honoring way. It then occurred to me that all these "things" that have been happening, have been used to teach me to care for others beyond the normal way of caring. It doesn't matter how others act, it matters how I act, how I respond, how I treat people.

I was in tears by the time I ended that prayer. And I randomly opened the book to this verse:

"May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us;
Establish the work of our hands for us;
yes, establish the work of our hands"

Isn't that beautiful? To know that we can seek God for Everything. He can be Owner and President of our lives and guide us even to the point of determining the work that we do, and how we do it. Its amazing to me as I move through my business plan, life plan, choices I make, that I keep meeting others in the same place. Reaching out to God. Today a woman I met on the crafting site ETSY was emailing me about some work she is doing for me. I had asked her how she got started and she said, "I prayed about it". All around me the Lord is speaking. To me, through the words of others, and to you through the people you meet. Today I choose to start listening more. What verse has moved you lately? What verse was a clear answer to your questions?

Ephesians 4:15 Speak the Truth in love

Today a friend of mine that I felt was becoming a good friend let me down. First she lied to me about something so unnecessary which caused me to doubt her sincerity, and then today she laughed about a situation at work and when I disagreed with the behavior she became childish and almost demanding, finally walking away and saying "Whatever". I so badly wanted the last word, I was angry, frustrated and she was blowing me off. I knew I was right and when I took it to God I was still angry and was seeking his guidance on how to handle it. But I wasn't willing to let it go. I wanted to be heard, to be listened to. I was mad. Very mad. I simply couldn't understand how someone who was standing there with a full time job, after I had just been given part time status could laugh at the thought no one in the company was volunteering to take on extra work to get us through a tough time. How could anyone who cared about their job, the customers, the company think that not wanting to help, that being difficult would be funny? And how could the company choose that attitude of a person over me?

To add fuel to the fire, rather than coming in to talk it through she pleasantly said goodnight, and left a little note of encouragement on my desk with some scripture she found that she thought would help me through this hurtful time. In addition, she went to my boss and told her that perhaps I was hurting and not taking it very well. Arrrgh, I think I am still angry.

This all led to a fight with my husband for not being sensitive, and finally a long tearful drive towards the river where I could sit, listen to music and hear God. Only he wasn't speaking too loudly and my anger was drowning him out. But he stayed with me, comforted me and reminded me that he is always with me. He I can count on.

So right now I am not really sure what this is all about. I know I was lied to, and I know that while her intention was not to harm, she did hurt me. She broke my trust in what I thought we were building. And perhaps that is where the hurt is.

I am trying to figure out how to handle this one, and in my bible study tonight God lea me to Ephesians 4:15. Speak the truth in love. That requires us to speak directly to people. Not go around them to others, but to approach them with the truth and with love. I am not quite there yet. I struggle with the desire to want to speak my peace. Wanting her to apologize without me having to take the first step. Wanting her to be the one who grows in the process and perhaps teaches me. Not take the cowardly way out by writing words rather than meeting me head on face to face so we can talk it out. I know that sounds selfish, but aren't we all at times? I know that by following God's plan, doing his will, I will grow in the process and most of the time, that makes it all okay. But sometimes its hard to do the right thing, be the better person. Sometimes I feel out of place. I wonder if my thoughts are correct. And then I am reminded of Jesus and how out of place he must have felt. And I wonder how he could keep one of his disciples in his group knowing that he would betray him. I don't think it was in line with "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" strategy that many of us learn in business. I think it was because he saw the bigger picture. He let go and let God not caring what others thought or saw or determined, but caring about what his father thought. Can you imagine knowing that you are going to be betrayed, and letting it play out as God intended?

My prayer tonight: Heavenly Father, Lord God. Thank you for letting me be human. For giving me the space for anger, hurt, doubt and disappointment. You have a plan for me and right not its bigger than I can see. I trust you Lord and I know that this is all part of your plan. Help me Lord to grow stronger from this, show me how you want me to respond, and let me do it with love and truth.

I want to be obedient to you Lord, and will do what you ask of me in your time, not mine. Amen