Ephesians 4:15 Speak the Truth in love

Today a friend of mine that I felt was becoming a good friend let me down. First she lied to me about something so unnecessary which caused me to doubt her sincerity, and then today she laughed about a situation at work and when I disagreed with the behavior she became childish and almost demanding, finally walking away and saying "Whatever". I so badly wanted the last word, I was angry, frustrated and she was blowing me off. I knew I was right and when I took it to God I was still angry and was seeking his guidance on how to handle it. But I wasn't willing to let it go. I wanted to be heard, to be listened to. I was mad. Very mad. I simply couldn't understand how someone who was standing there with a full time job, after I had just been given part time status could laugh at the thought no one in the company was volunteering to take on extra work to get us through a tough time. How could anyone who cared about their job, the customers, the company think that not wanting to help, that being difficult would be funny? And how could the company choose that attitude of a person over me?

To add fuel to the fire, rather than coming in to talk it through she pleasantly said goodnight, and left a little note of encouragement on my desk with some scripture she found that she thought would help me through this hurtful time. In addition, she went to my boss and told her that perhaps I was hurting and not taking it very well. Arrrgh, I think I am still angry.

This all led to a fight with my husband for not being sensitive, and finally a long tearful drive towards the river where I could sit, listen to music and hear God. Only he wasn't speaking too loudly and my anger was drowning him out. But he stayed with me, comforted me and reminded me that he is always with me. He I can count on.

So right now I am not really sure what this is all about. I know I was lied to, and I know that while her intention was not to harm, she did hurt me. She broke my trust in what I thought we were building. And perhaps that is where the hurt is.

I am trying to figure out how to handle this one, and in my bible study tonight God lea me to Ephesians 4:15. Speak the truth in love. That requires us to speak directly to people. Not go around them to others, but to approach them with the truth and with love. I am not quite there yet. I struggle with the desire to want to speak my peace. Wanting her to apologize without me having to take the first step. Wanting her to be the one who grows in the process and perhaps teaches me. Not take the cowardly way out by writing words rather than meeting me head on face to face so we can talk it out. I know that sounds selfish, but aren't we all at times? I know that by following God's plan, doing his will, I will grow in the process and most of the time, that makes it all okay. But sometimes its hard to do the right thing, be the better person. Sometimes I feel out of place. I wonder if my thoughts are correct. And then I am reminded of Jesus and how out of place he must have felt. And I wonder how he could keep one of his disciples in his group knowing that he would betray him. I don't think it was in line with "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" strategy that many of us learn in business. I think it was because he saw the bigger picture. He let go and let God not caring what others thought or saw or determined, but caring about what his father thought. Can you imagine knowing that you are going to be betrayed, and letting it play out as God intended?

My prayer tonight: Heavenly Father, Lord God. Thank you for letting me be human. For giving me the space for anger, hurt, doubt and disappointment. You have a plan for me and right not its bigger than I can see. I trust you Lord and I know that this is all part of your plan. Help me Lord to grow stronger from this, show me how you want me to respond, and let me do it with love and truth.

I want to be obedient to you Lord, and will do what you ask of me in your time, not mine. Amen

Being Humble...Having Character...even while Hurting Job 39 1-30

Well, the part time status of my job begins April 15th, and its sometimes hard to not let my hurt feelings show. I want to shout "Why me God? What did I do to earn this difficult lesson?" I do have peace about it, but sometimes that little niggling thought enters my head and I find myself obsessing about the unfairness of it all. Today I am at our annual convention. I will come in contact with the Executive Committee, the Board of Directors - those people that are aware of my fate. I want, maybe even expect them to understand how valuable an employee I am and to tell the President "This was a BIG MISTAKE, GET HER BACK!" and then on the other hand I want to see what God does with this. The reality is that no one will probably say anything. Most people would rather believe that everything is okay, that I am okay with it, even when I know I am not okay with it all the time. That is the human side of me and GOD understands. Which makes it that much more peaceful. To me sometimes it seems like a dichotomy. The negative thoughts that sometimes creep up, the insecurity, the Why mes??? compared to the sense of Peace, Joy and Inspiration that comes from this blind space that I am standing on right now getting ready to take God's lead.


This morning I happened on to the The Lord's Challenge to Job. "Who gave the horse its strength, he commands? Did you give the locust the ability to leap forward? Are you the one who makes the hawk soar, and spread its wings to the south?" He asks. Who am I to question the almighty God just because things don't go my way? Rather than complain I need to consider how much he loves me. Complaining blocks out the sight and sound of God, it leaves no room for him to reveal his greater purposes for me. My challenge is recognizing that it may unfold during the course of my life and not at the moment I desire.

I am reminded of a verse from a song by Casting Crowns:

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I don't have all the answers. And when I spend my time looking for them on my own, rather than seeking God's direction, I become wrapped up in a "poor me" mentality and in that place I accomplish nothing.

Lord, I want to seek you in all I do. I am going into an uncomfortable place this week where people know my situation and to my face will act as though everything is right. Help me to honor you in my actions, words and deeds. To think positively and in anticipation of the purpose you have for me and the growth that will come from my submission to your will.

I love you God.

A Job, A Career, A Life...

I turn 50 soon, and lately I have been so wrapped up in where my life is, where its going. The thought of another day at the job I have almost makes me ill. Not sure what it is Lord, but things just don't feel right. A new boss that seems to enjoy creating havoc and acting as though he can come in and "clean it all up" . He sounded so great at the time, but lately I am sensing that he stirs up the pot to create an atmosphere of discord so he can then "Come to the Rescue" on our behalf. He doesn't remember the statements he has made, or the requirements. Doesn't respond to email in a timely fashion and them comes to us after the fact with ridiculous comments and suggestions.

Its like working in a vacuum or a time warp or something. I don't think I can trust the situation. I don't think my staying in this environment is healthy, yet I don't know that the alternatives will be much better.

Jeremiah 9 11-13. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans for hope and for a future. If you seek me you will find me when you seek me with all of your heart. " This was the first verse if you ever brought to my attention Lord, and the first verse I memorized. It has guided me on many occasions, and today Lord I ask in your Son's name, to show me the way. You have asked for my full commitment and to let go and let you work in my life, and it is there that I wish to be Lord.

Perhaps I have begun to rely on the new guy more than you. I am not sure, but I sense you telling me that I need to relinquish more of myself to you Lord. Lord, I wish to honor you in all my actions. If its time for me to leave this job, please show me the way. Give me a Peace over what you desire me to do. Help me to follow through on the plans that you have for me, one step at a time. Lord, you know my heart. You know all that I think, feel, breathe. I am full of so many emotions right now, that it leads me to make bad decisions. I don't feel well, and that brings me down too, not adding to the possibilities, but taking away from them.

Help me Lord, please help me to relax and listen to your plans, your desires for me. I know that when you are at my core, my center, and I am filled with the Holy Spirit then I will be in a better place to be guided, directed. I know I am not there yet.

I feel you all around me this morning Lord, from my head to my toes, your presence is everywhere. There is a message here this morning that I have yet to understand. Help me to understand Lord. I don't want to be complacent Lord, I want to be obedient. The song that is in my mind right now is "How do I, get through my life without you, if I had to live without you, what kind of life would that be?" I want you in my life full time Lord. Why this morning am I waking up so weighted down, so sick to my stomach? What is it that I am unaware of? Lord, do you want me to quit my job? Without another? Lord show me the way Lord, please in your Son's name, show me the way.

I know that you will and can accomplish anyting in my life. I also konw that you expect me to think things through and not act irrationally. Quitting my job, without another seems irrational Lord, very irrational. If it's school you desire for me, I will be obedient and schedule an appointment with the college to see what options are available. Lord, if there is someone out there that you have sent in to guide me in this process, please make it known to me today, who it is, and what you want me to know. I promise to listen and apply the message without doubt. In the meantime, until I know for sure otherwise, I will continue in this job. Goodness Lord, every word I write I feel filled with the Holy Spririt. Lord, you are everywhere this morning, surrounding me, my every thought, my every written word. I am yours. Amen. For now, Iwill do my work, keep to myself, until I hear otherwise from you. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Day Three...

Dear Father, Last night I came home feeling lost, frustrated and alone because I am unsure and uncomfortable in my work surroundings. I feel fear of this new unknown. People around me seem to be isolating themselves, or insulating themselves from the surroundings. I seem to be in a non participatory environment. People don't want to communicate, support or work together for a common good. That is how I feel. Are my feelings right and just Lord?

You directed me to several passages: Proverbs 6:15, 18-23, 7-8. You immediately brought to my attention my actions, my words, my responsibilities while also acknowledging that you are giving me the wisdom to act accordingly. It seems difficult for me right now to have the wisdom and be aware of what is going on around me at the same time trusting in you to deal with it as part of your promise to me. My desire or first response is to react, or act on the issue. Solve the problem, defend myself and many times defend and protect others and you are telling me to simple focus on my job, be obedient and focused. I guess I can see that by focusing on others and actions of many I reduce my effectiveness in my own job. By focusing on my work and my responsibilities I will be responding to you and your plans for me, This is such a challenge and a struggle for me Lord. This is big. I always feel the need to protect myself, justify what is going on, find the reasoning behind it, try to solve it (unsuccessfully I might add!) I come to you again in prayer asking you to change me Lord. Today let me be totally focused on my job and not get entrenched in gossip and what on the surface appears to be wise words from above when in fact its masked as leadership and is exactly what others are doing, gossiping, creating doubt and ill will. Its not up to me to find the reasoning behind others actions, yet the wisdom you give me can help me to react and respond according to your will. Right now, you are asking me to "Be Still and Know that you are GOD. Thank you my dear father. Teach me to focuse on and listen to you. AMEN

Day Two...Research, Obedience, Discipline

Dear Lord, I missed my journaling last night but I did not miss the study, nor the message in -Luke 1:57. You continue the lesson with me by drawing on the works and studies of Luke, a physician and historian who relied on personal accounts of the people that came in contact with the Lord. Your message reminds me that research (reading the bible), is an act of obedience and a discipline that I can't take for granted as we go through this coming year. To know you, to commit my whole life to you to do as you wish, will require obedience and discipline on my part.

Mary, Joseph, Zackariah and Elizabeth were four people who committed themselves fully to God and their commitment did not come easily. It was filled with your request for what seemed impossible. A childbirth after childbearing years, and a virgin birth! WOW! Could you have tested unbelief any more strongly? You know me and my heart so well Lord. I want the immediate response, the immediate change, and true to your words, just like last year, it takes time, obedience and discipline. This will be a year that will consistently change and grow if I can fully commit my time, my energy and my heart to include all my doubts and my fears to you and your plan for me.

I asked you to guide me yesterday and specifically help me to be less confrontational at work and not so combative. I didn't do so well yesterday and I come to you with my actions, thoughts and words and again ask for your help in changing my heart. I am not sure why Lord, but lately I have acted as though my actions are perfect, and the actions of others are deceitful, and deliberate in their attempts to undermine the company and the leadership. Who am I to judge? And who am I to be rude and demanding? Lord, help me to be a witness to others of what your love can do iand has done in my heart and in my life. Change me Lord, not them. Change me. Bless them with your love and commitment in their lives so that they may have the gift that I have. Fill them with the holy spirit and give them all the blessings they desire. A healthy fulfilling life, joy, financial security, give them all the blessings that I desire and then bless them again. I know that it is through you that I must change my heart. Listening to the Holy Spirit and responding the way you desire and not what I think is best for me, others or even the company. For only you know the plans you have for the company, the members and the people who support it.

I am struggling Lord with my job, and the people that are there. A new additional boss after a year of direct reporting, a disenchanted staff threatening behind backs to leave, talking about others, is to me indications of my need to leave or continuing to trust in your and my bosses even though I sometimes feel they have been deceitful and dishonest, witnessed the clash of egos, and am probably so unaware of many unspoken issues in their own lives that I have no right to judge or condemn.

I am trying to eliminate my participation in the negative yet some times I find myself participating if not starting conversations on my own and in my own head. Please Lord, in these times remind me of my promise and commitment to you. If its time for me to look for another job, or time for me to pursue your plans for me outside this job, then I pray in Jesus name that you show me the way. AMEN.