Grief...Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 A time for Everything...

This week a friend of ours son died of multiple wounds from 2 pit bulls. He was trying to protect a smaller dog from harm and the dogs turned on him. He was a young 20 year old. A kind gentle young man with a huge heart and a wonderful sense of humor. We attended his funeral yesterday and I sat there watching two grieving parents bury their son. The church was filled with over 200 family, friends, friends of family. The sadness, tears, agony, despair was all around us. My husband hesitated about going at first but in the end he knew it was something he had to do. He was worried about what to wear. I told him, "It won't matter what you wear, it will matter that you are there". I was surprised to see the level of support, the range of ages, the different ways of paying respect. It was a Catholic service and I was unfamiliar with the traditions, but I was sure of one thing. God was there.

The Priest said two things that stood out to me. 1) That we often question if the deceased is in heaven. He reminded us that God chose us. 2) The second was that the more the extreme suffering the greater the room for love.

Many were asking "Why God? Why Carter?" I asked What God? What are we to learn here, How will our lives change?" This morning this burden of sadness was still with me. I was tearful, tired, emotional, and I took off on a hiking trail along the water and contemplated this with God. And here were his answers to me.

I have often questioned two things in my relationship with God. This unconditional love that he offers us and the thought that perhaps I don't truly understand what love is or what it feels to love unconditionally. In our humaneness we struggle with unconditional love and if we are honest that sometimes we get so angry with a spouse or child that if even for the briefest moment, our feelings change, and we wonder. Our love is challenged. We may have favorite friends who we care for more, or siblings that we just get along better with, and sometimes we question whether we are truly loving people if we can have such negative thoughts.

But in sight of death, unconditional love emerges. We forget the past, the bad choices, hurtful words, idiosyncrasies of the person who is now gone. I think its because at the moment Jesus takes over in our lives and our hearts are pure. It is in those moments that we are given God's greatest gift. His son Jesus Christ.

It's hard to say how many lives will change from this ordeal. Some may walk away from God feeling the need to blame him for taking this young man so soon. Some may draw closer to him because they know that life is too short. I do not know. Some may find Jesus. And Carter will have the glory of viewing it from Jesus's viewpoint.

I am sure that another life lesson I was to learn from this is that its important that we stop and take time to pour out God's love to everyone we come in contact with. That our mission from God is to Love Him and to Love Others. Those are the two greatest commandments. We sometimes get caught up in daily tasks neglecting what is important. On that dreadful day, no one knew that in the afternoon this young man would be gone. No one knew.

In the midst of great suffering, great love will emerge. Let your love shine through the eyes of Jesus Christ. A wonderful prayer was read during the service and I will print it tomorrow. I think it is a wonderful testament to what can lie ahead for all of us. It is all in God's time. Not ours. Life on earth is short. Live in the present.

He who has been forgiven little, loves little. Luke 7:47

Over the past week as I drive to work there is statement posted in front of a nearby church that says "Prayer is the key to morning and lock at night". It speaks to every time I drive by it, and it occurred to me that I AM A PRAYING WOMAN! I pray every morning and I am thankful every night. I made a promise to God over 2 years ago about a certain situation in my life. If he got me through it, I would honor him each and every day by being committed to the healing. He did, and I do. But what is so amazing here, is the difference that morning and night time prayer make in my daily routine called life. Sometimes the prayer may be a simple "Thank you God for this life" and other times it may be a litany of all the doubts I have, all the fears, all the troubles. To me it has become more than prayer but a relationship with a dear dear friend, mentor, teacher, leader.

Lately though my thoughts have been a jumble. I am in an unsettled place and it has been said that this is when God is working on you the most. The discomfort, the frustration, the turmoil is not what God intends or wants but it is there because I need to work through it. I need to let go and let God. This morning I came to him with my fears. I want to give it all to him, all the fear, but I also know that much of this I have created myself. It seems to me that I don't deserve his help, nor am I worthy of it. It seems to me that I have to do the work, I have to get up and get moving. There is a certain level of responsibility we all have to correcting or changing our behavior, our actions, our thoughts, words and deeds. For example, if we don't pay our bills, do we expect God to write the check, put it in the mail? No, we have to do the work, we have to mail the bill.

If we don't pay our taxes, will God wipe away the debt? No, its our responsibility to pay the taxes, to fulfill our obligations. We can't wait for God to do the work. But we must seek him for direction, guidance, support IN EVERYTHING WE DO. We must search his words and seek his answers.

So I was reading my bible study and came across this verse: "He who has been forgiven little, loves little". As you read this you might wonder, where in the heck is she going with this? Honestly, I don't quite know, but I do know God has a message for me in this. I am a praying woman. My sins have been forgiven. What right do I have to deny that I have been forgiven for all my sins? It was and is a glorious gift from God, and therefore I have been forgiven much. That means I am loved ALOT. That means I love ALOT. Its kind of a revelation to me. I can't sit in my mess and feel sorry about my predicament. I should not feel alone and helpless when things go awry. I do have God to lean on. It comes down to believing that we are worthy of God's love. We may not always deserve it, but we are his children and he loves us MUCH. We therefore must love much. Love Ourselves, Take Care of Ourselves, and Love others.

So what is the mess? Well, like so many other people, my job has been reduced to part time. I am hurt, feeling unloved, unappreciated, and sorry for myself. I am angry and resentful, and have now begun the process of blaming myself, as if I have done something wrong. Many of us are in this situation today and many of us may not get through the pain it causes. I feel lost and unsure of what to do next. I feel the need "to get out of this" and yet, God is saying, "give this all to me". And I am saying: "But I got myself into this Lord, I have to do the work".

Yes, there is work that needs to be done in my life. Yes, I am going to have to be obedient. But I have been forgiven much. I am loved ALOT. A year from now, as I look back on this journey, I am going to miss this. So perhaps I will work at enjoying the process, the turmoil, the uncertainty. GOD Knows what the future holds, and he has been so very good to me.

The Last Supper: John 13: 21

As they shared the last supper, Jesus was troubled in spirit and testified "I tell you the truth, one of you is going to betray me". I have often pondered this statement, wondering why in all his knowing, Jesus continued to love the betrayer, continued to let him into his inner circle, continued to accept and treat him as he did all his disciples? He didn't tell what he knew, he didn't take it to a higher court, he didn't argue with Judas, he just knew.

I have been quite trusting in all my years here on earth. I have believed that people are inherently good, I have trusted what I was told and embraced everyone I came in to contact with. I have shared my story, my life experiences openly and honestly understanding that the information could be used against me. At times it has been and at times people have learned from my experiences, relied on my strength of character. Often times people have suggested I am foolish to be so trusting. Wondered why I share my life like an open book. I think I have always felt that as an open book, I couldn't ever be hurt because I wasn't hiding anything from anyone. There are no surprises. What you see is what you get.

Lately, I have wondered about the word "Friendship". I have struggled with knowing people with all their faults, knowing they may hurt me, and loving them anyway. I fear that I am becoming less trusting, less willing to let people in. Tired of being the one that everyone turns to for strength and goodness, and then being disappointed when they don't reciprocate. And yet, here was Jesus, knowing he was about to die, by someone he trusted, mentored and supported so willingly. Someone who he had "let in". It's remarkable to me. To be able to watch it unfold. By the time he was crucified, he knew that he would be betrayed, denied 3 times, rejected, and more. And yet, he loved them anyway.

Should we expect more from the people that we embrace? Or should we simply give as God requests of us, without expectation? While Jesus let him in, he certainly didn't trust him as he knew he was going to betrayed. Is it possible to love someone, include them and yet not trust them? For me, they go hand in hand. Trust has to be a part of the equation. Doesn't it?

Ephesians 4:15 Speak the Truth in love

Today a friend of mine that I felt was becoming a good friend let me down. First she lied to me about something so unnecessary which caused me to doubt her sincerity, and then today she laughed about a situation at work and when I disagreed with the behavior she became childish and almost demanding, finally walking away and saying "Whatever". I so badly wanted the last word, I was angry, frustrated and she was blowing me off. I knew I was right and when I took it to God I was still angry and was seeking his guidance on how to handle it. But I wasn't willing to let it go. I wanted to be heard, to be listened to. I was mad. Very mad. I simply couldn't understand how someone who was standing there with a full time job, after I had just been given part time status could laugh at the thought no one in the company was volunteering to take on extra work to get us through a tough time. How could anyone who cared about their job, the customers, the company think that not wanting to help, that being difficult would be funny? And how could the company choose that attitude of a person over me?

To add fuel to the fire, rather than coming in to talk it through she pleasantly said goodnight, and left a little note of encouragement on my desk with some scripture she found that she thought would help me through this hurtful time. In addition, she went to my boss and told her that perhaps I was hurting and not taking it very well. Arrrgh, I think I am still angry.

This all led to a fight with my husband for not being sensitive, and finally a long tearful drive towards the river where I could sit, listen to music and hear God. Only he wasn't speaking too loudly and my anger was drowning him out. But he stayed with me, comforted me and reminded me that he is always with me. He I can count on.

So right now I am not really sure what this is all about. I know I was lied to, and I know that while her intention was not to harm, she did hurt me. She broke my trust in what I thought we were building. And perhaps that is where the hurt is.

I am trying to figure out how to handle this one, and in my bible study tonight God lea me to Ephesians 4:15. Speak the truth in love. That requires us to speak directly to people. Not go around them to others, but to approach them with the truth and with love. I am not quite there yet. I struggle with the desire to want to speak my peace. Wanting her to apologize without me having to take the first step. Wanting her to be the one who grows in the process and perhaps teaches me. Not take the cowardly way out by writing words rather than meeting me head on face to face so we can talk it out. I know that sounds selfish, but aren't we all at times? I know that by following God's plan, doing his will, I will grow in the process and most of the time, that makes it all okay. But sometimes its hard to do the right thing, be the better person. Sometimes I feel out of place. I wonder if my thoughts are correct. And then I am reminded of Jesus and how out of place he must have felt. And I wonder how he could keep one of his disciples in his group knowing that he would betray him. I don't think it was in line with "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" strategy that many of us learn in business. I think it was because he saw the bigger picture. He let go and let God not caring what others thought or saw or determined, but caring about what his father thought. Can you imagine knowing that you are going to be betrayed, and letting it play out as God intended?

My prayer tonight: Heavenly Father, Lord God. Thank you for letting me be human. For giving me the space for anger, hurt, doubt and disappointment. You have a plan for me and right not its bigger than I can see. I trust you Lord and I know that this is all part of your plan. Help me Lord to grow stronger from this, show me how you want me to respond, and let me do it with love and truth.

I want to be obedient to you Lord, and will do what you ask of me in your time, not mine. Amen

I have stilled and quieted my soul...Psalm 131

Well, the day came and while I thought the worst would be a lay off, I was given a pay cut and reduced hours to part time. Have you ever felt like you were outside your body watching yourself react? I can honestly say that I was calm, responded with care, character and integrity and accepted my fate. From the beginning I had this sense of peace. I was confident in my abilities, did not feel threatened by my pay reduction or in responsibilities. But at the same time, while I had peace, my mind was spinning out of control. There was this fear of the possible. I have been working 50+ hours a week, taking on more and more responsibility and now I have one responsibility, a 30% paycut, and a 20 hour work week. The possible was the potential for God's plan for me. I now have no excuses. I need to be patient and wait for his direction.

I know as I look at myself, that this is an opportunity, an actual blessing from God. I can't tell you why I feel that way, but I know it. I have the chance to reinvent myself. I have the opportunity to prove that I can survive anything put in front of me as long as I let God have the reins. I know that the top two people did what they had to do to protect themselves. And it doesn't matter. God knows too. And its his decision regarding how and why things happen. We are all his children. And we will all learn from this experience.

Psalm 131 is a psalm of contentment. Quiet trust in God. The verse that spoke to me: I have stilled and quieted my soul --helped me to see that pride results from overvaluing ourselves and undervaluing others. By realizing that we are all God's Children, then we all have the grace of God, his forgiveness. It doesn't make the attack to my person any easier, there is still the disappointment, anger, shame, embarrassment, even if undeserved. But I know that only blessings will come from it if I continue to honor God by seeking him in all I do. I no longer have to prove myself to others. Humility and trust will affect my perspective and give me the strength and freedom to serve God and others.

A Job, A Career, A Life...

I turn 50 soon, and lately I have been so wrapped up in where my life is, where its going. The thought of another day at the job I have almost makes me ill. Not sure what it is Lord, but things just don't feel right. A new boss that seems to enjoy creating havoc and acting as though he can come in and "clean it all up" . He sounded so great at the time, but lately I am sensing that he stirs up the pot to create an atmosphere of discord so he can then "Come to the Rescue" on our behalf. He doesn't remember the statements he has made, or the requirements. Doesn't respond to email in a timely fashion and them comes to us after the fact with ridiculous comments and suggestions.

Its like working in a vacuum or a time warp or something. I don't think I can trust the situation. I don't think my staying in this environment is healthy, yet I don't know that the alternatives will be much better.

Jeremiah 9 11-13. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans for hope and for a future. If you seek me you will find me when you seek me with all of your heart. " This was the first verse if you ever brought to my attention Lord, and the first verse I memorized. It has guided me on many occasions, and today Lord I ask in your Son's name, to show me the way. You have asked for my full commitment and to let go and let you work in my life, and it is there that I wish to be Lord.

Perhaps I have begun to rely on the new guy more than you. I am not sure, but I sense you telling me that I need to relinquish more of myself to you Lord. Lord, I wish to honor you in all my actions. If its time for me to leave this job, please show me the way. Give me a Peace over what you desire me to do. Help me to follow through on the plans that you have for me, one step at a time. Lord, you know my heart. You know all that I think, feel, breathe. I am full of so many emotions right now, that it leads me to make bad decisions. I don't feel well, and that brings me down too, not adding to the possibilities, but taking away from them.

Help me Lord, please help me to relax and listen to your plans, your desires for me. I know that when you are at my core, my center, and I am filled with the Holy Spirit then I will be in a better place to be guided, directed. I know I am not there yet.

I feel you all around me this morning Lord, from my head to my toes, your presence is everywhere. There is a message here this morning that I have yet to understand. Help me to understand Lord. I don't want to be complacent Lord, I want to be obedient. The song that is in my mind right now is "How do I, get through my life without you, if I had to live without you, what kind of life would that be?" I want you in my life full time Lord. Why this morning am I waking up so weighted down, so sick to my stomach? What is it that I am unaware of? Lord, do you want me to quit my job? Without another? Lord show me the way Lord, please in your Son's name, show me the way.

I know that you will and can accomplish anyting in my life. I also konw that you expect me to think things through and not act irrationally. Quitting my job, without another seems irrational Lord, very irrational. If it's school you desire for me, I will be obedient and schedule an appointment with the college to see what options are available. Lord, if there is someone out there that you have sent in to guide me in this process, please make it known to me today, who it is, and what you want me to know. I promise to listen and apply the message without doubt. In the meantime, until I know for sure otherwise, I will continue in this job. Goodness Lord, every word I write I feel filled with the Holy Spririt. Lord, you are everywhere this morning, surrounding me, my every thought, my every written word. I am yours. Amen. For now, Iwill do my work, keep to myself, until I hear otherwise from you. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Hebrews 11:1

I saw this on a license plate yesterday and came home to read it and was so amazed. God reaches me in such subtle, yet in your face ways. Putting my faith in that which I can't see. I turn 50 in less than a year and I feel being led to quit my job and go back to school. I believe my call from God is to teach and do that I have to go back to school and finish what I started a very long time ago. All of it sounds so scary and yet he asks us to give ourselves to him for his plan. Me, I just want to know for sure. I am uncomfortable being led blindly and it seems that God and I deal with that often. He has never, ever led me wrong, he had never misled me yet, I still doubt, still struggle.

Heavenly Father help me to change my disbelief. What you have done in my life in just one year is a miracle of its own. I have no reason to doubt your plans for me. I have no reason to ignore what you are telling me, and yet I do. Is it fear, denial? I will follow you. I commit myself to you to do your will. I know you can make what seems impossible, possible and I know that it can only be done if I let go and give it all to you.

Show me the next step you wnat me to take Lord. Show me the next step. While you are on your time schedule, I will do my best to be obedient. I know there are some things that I have to correct in order to reap the full benefit of your plans for me. There is no doubt in my mind, that all your plans for me are plans of hope, a future, love and a joy that can't be felt without you in the middle of it.

If school is part of the plan, then school it is. Show me Lord how. Show me the next step. What is it you desire of me?

Lord hear my prayers. Bless those that I have trouble with, bless them ten fold and if they are not Christians, I pray that they begin to seek you. Help them in their work, in their personal life, and in their relationship with you. Bless my family Lord and keep them all safe and healthy. I pray for my friend Linda. Lord, if the house is part of your plan for her, let her have the ability to buy it without having to rely on others. Thank you Lord for the beautiful day you gave us to day for our church picnic. It was a glorious day and one that allowed me to meet a wonderful new friend. Thank you.

Forgive me for getting involved in the gossip. I want so badly to find a way to remove myself from these types of conversations and not participate in conversations meant to drag others down. There just isn't enough time for that kind of behaviour. I participated by simply listening. I want to get better at walking away.

Day Two...Research, Obedience, Discipline

Dear Lord, I missed my journaling last night but I did not miss the study, nor the message in -Luke 1:57. You continue the lesson with me by drawing on the works and studies of Luke, a physician and historian who relied on personal accounts of the people that came in contact with the Lord. Your message reminds me that research (reading the bible), is an act of obedience and a discipline that I can't take for granted as we go through this coming year. To know you, to commit my whole life to you to do as you wish, will require obedience and discipline on my part.

Mary, Joseph, Zackariah and Elizabeth were four people who committed themselves fully to God and their commitment did not come easily. It was filled with your request for what seemed impossible. A childbirth after childbearing years, and a virgin birth! WOW! Could you have tested unbelief any more strongly? You know me and my heart so well Lord. I want the immediate response, the immediate change, and true to your words, just like last year, it takes time, obedience and discipline. This will be a year that will consistently change and grow if I can fully commit my time, my energy and my heart to include all my doubts and my fears to you and your plan for me.

I asked you to guide me yesterday and specifically help me to be less confrontational at work and not so combative. I didn't do so well yesterday and I come to you with my actions, thoughts and words and again ask for your help in changing my heart. I am not sure why Lord, but lately I have acted as though my actions are perfect, and the actions of others are deceitful, and deliberate in their attempts to undermine the company and the leadership. Who am I to judge? And who am I to be rude and demanding? Lord, help me to be a witness to others of what your love can do iand has done in my heart and in my life. Change me Lord, not them. Change me. Bless them with your love and commitment in their lives so that they may have the gift that I have. Fill them with the holy spirit and give them all the blessings they desire. A healthy fulfilling life, joy, financial security, give them all the blessings that I desire and then bless them again. I know that it is through you that I must change my heart. Listening to the Holy Spirit and responding the way you desire and not what I think is best for me, others or even the company. For only you know the plans you have for the company, the members and the people who support it.

I am struggling Lord with my job, and the people that are there. A new additional boss after a year of direct reporting, a disenchanted staff threatening behind backs to leave, talking about others, is to me indications of my need to leave or continuing to trust in your and my bosses even though I sometimes feel they have been deceitful and dishonest, witnessed the clash of egos, and am probably so unaware of many unspoken issues in their own lives that I have no right to judge or condemn.

I am trying to eliminate my participation in the negative yet some times I find myself participating if not starting conversations on my own and in my own head. Please Lord, in these times remind me of my promise and commitment to you. If its time for me to look for another job, or time for me to pursue your plans for me outside this job, then I pray in Jesus name that you show me the way. AMEN.

Day One.

Dear Father, its no surprise to me that I open the bible to begin the journey and you take me to the first time I ever dedicated my life to you. Jeremiah 4:1-22. What stands out to me in this reading is that I need to begin to live a good honest life. Plow up the ground of my heart and not wast my time in bad areas. I seem clever enough at doing wrong, but have no talent at all for doing right. What amazes me even further is that I am still repeating bad behavior. You are teaching me and I am learning, so we can call that progress, but I long to honor you more. To change these bad habits and live a better life. I want to be able to give back to others; to give back to you.

Thank you for the fact that I can say, I am gaining talent for doing right. I recognize the areas that I need to change and with you as my leader, guide, father, confidant, parent, friend I know I can succeed. I know I challenge you often, and you patiently wait for the doubt, sadness, anger, fear to lessen so that I can hear your voice and direction.

Lord, today I come to you with a commitment to daily bible study, attendance at church. Guide me in the direction you desire me to begin. Help me at work today Lord to remain positive, supportive and not combative. You have touched on me going back to school, considering different options for my career and more, and yet I realize that none of that will be done in a God honoring way if I don't correct my health and my finances. I can't solve a symptom; I have to solve the problem first.

Heavenly Father, I give myself to you today to guide me, teach me, and begin to apply the discipline I need to succeed at the tasks you have set in front of me. In the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, I ask you to show me the way today and all days for the rest of my life. Amen.

Good Morning God, Thank you for another day.

Heavenly Father, you have prodded me over the years to begin keeping a journal. Off and on I have and it has helped to track our progress in changing my life. You have consistently led me in directions I never felt possible and together we have walked a path that has always been the right one for me. Today I begin my journey "live" for everyone to read and see. May this journey of ours reach those people that you know are out there searching for you. May I be honest in every circumstance. How I am feeling, my decisions to listen or ignore. All of it. Let this be an open book into the year that I put all my faith in you. The year that I let go and Let God. While I give you all of it Lord, now that we have accomplished the first task: My Sobriety, I feel that you are leading me to focus this year on the remaining two priorities: My health and well-being and my financial situation. That requires some embarrassing statistics so that we can begin to track our progress. You know it all, but I know that it needs to be my starting point.

I am what doctors call morbidly obese. Not a very kind word, in fact a hurtful word that seems to make me feel so sad. I have had gastric bypass surgery which helped me to lose 140 pounds of which I have maintained loss of. I have been unable to lose more because of the excessive drinking, and because of lack of exercise, and poor eating habits. Today I weigh 326 pounds. I have a hard time getting my self up out of a chair. My back and knees are always in excruciating pain, and it is difficult to do much around the house. I rely on my husband a great deal of the time to do the things I can no longer do because of the energy it takes for me to just get around the house.

My finances...UGH! I seem heck bent on destroying anything good in my life. I have terrible, horrendous credit. I spend every dollar I take in, and barely remember to pay my bills until the past due notice is on and functioning loud and clear. I don't have much credit debit because I can't get a credit card, which I feel is a good thing, but still as I get older, I think its important that I can take care of and support myself. My husband and I have no children, we both hold decent jobs, so the ability to save should be an easy one. But its not. I think I have replaced drinking with spending. Trying to feed some hunger within myself.

I have over the years struggled with depression and probably tried every medication known to man to treat it. I have been at one time diagnosed with low level bi-polar disorder. Lord, you encouraged me to get off all the medications and rely strictly on you. While I don't think this is the message you would offer to others, I think you asked me to do it, because I was relying too much on my excuses and not enough on you. I have not been on medications for a year and sometimes the depression is still there and I find myself struggling to work through it, when in the past I would drink or medicate it away. You have been my lifeline through it all. I think medication is vital to the healing of depression, but for me it wasn't working and I needed to start from the beginning with you Lord, a clean slate so we could learn exactly what was going on. I relied on a very strong support group to gauge my emotions, my mood swings and advise me to get help if they saw the need.

I do not have a savings, our house is in what I call a "hovel" and terrible disrepair and negligence. We have been up before our Association Board with so many external repairs and slowly have been making progress on those items that we would eventually be fined for not addressing. The inside has suffered the most, and it is on most days an extremely overwhelming task. All that needs to be done in my mind is almost impossible. We had a pipe break in our house several years ago and from that we made the choice to spend the insurance money to catch up on bills and work on our house on our own. The money was spent, we are back where we started and we have progressively given up on the house because the task seemed unachievable. There is not one room in the house that I would call livable enough to have guests over but, we did decide to tackle one room at a time, and two rooms, a small reading room and the living room are close to being completed.


Our taxes have been ignored. And just recently I took out a withdrawal my 401k to get my house out of foreclosure. Humiliating statistics Lord but I am putting my faith in you. Giving it all. Exposing it all. May this give other people hope.