The Last Supper: John 13: 21

As they shared the last supper, Jesus was troubled in spirit and testified "I tell you the truth, one of you is going to betray me". I have often pondered this statement, wondering why in all his knowing, Jesus continued to love the betrayer, continued to let him into his inner circle, continued to accept and treat him as he did all his disciples? He didn't tell what he knew, he didn't take it to a higher court, he didn't argue with Judas, he just knew.

I have been quite trusting in all my years here on earth. I have believed that people are inherently good, I have trusted what I was told and embraced everyone I came in to contact with. I have shared my story, my life experiences openly and honestly understanding that the information could be used against me. At times it has been and at times people have learned from my experiences, relied on my strength of character. Often times people have suggested I am foolish to be so trusting. Wondered why I share my life like an open book. I think I have always felt that as an open book, I couldn't ever be hurt because I wasn't hiding anything from anyone. There are no surprises. What you see is what you get.

Lately, I have wondered about the word "Friendship". I have struggled with knowing people with all their faults, knowing they may hurt me, and loving them anyway. I fear that I am becoming less trusting, less willing to let people in. Tired of being the one that everyone turns to for strength and goodness, and then being disappointed when they don't reciprocate. And yet, here was Jesus, knowing he was about to die, by someone he trusted, mentored and supported so willingly. Someone who he had "let in". It's remarkable to me. To be able to watch it unfold. By the time he was crucified, he knew that he would be betrayed, denied 3 times, rejected, and more. And yet, he loved them anyway.

Should we expect more from the people that we embrace? Or should we simply give as God requests of us, without expectation? While Jesus let him in, he certainly didn't trust him as he knew he was going to betrayed. Is it possible to love someone, include them and yet not trust them? For me, they go hand in hand. Trust has to be a part of the equation. Doesn't it?

Ephesians 4:15 Speak the Truth in love

Today a friend of mine that I felt was becoming a good friend let me down. First she lied to me about something so unnecessary which caused me to doubt her sincerity, and then today she laughed about a situation at work and when I disagreed with the behavior she became childish and almost demanding, finally walking away and saying "Whatever". I so badly wanted the last word, I was angry, frustrated and she was blowing me off. I knew I was right and when I took it to God I was still angry and was seeking his guidance on how to handle it. But I wasn't willing to let it go. I wanted to be heard, to be listened to. I was mad. Very mad. I simply couldn't understand how someone who was standing there with a full time job, after I had just been given part time status could laugh at the thought no one in the company was volunteering to take on extra work to get us through a tough time. How could anyone who cared about their job, the customers, the company think that not wanting to help, that being difficult would be funny? And how could the company choose that attitude of a person over me?

To add fuel to the fire, rather than coming in to talk it through she pleasantly said goodnight, and left a little note of encouragement on my desk with some scripture she found that she thought would help me through this hurtful time. In addition, she went to my boss and told her that perhaps I was hurting and not taking it very well. Arrrgh, I think I am still angry.

This all led to a fight with my husband for not being sensitive, and finally a long tearful drive towards the river where I could sit, listen to music and hear God. Only he wasn't speaking too loudly and my anger was drowning him out. But he stayed with me, comforted me and reminded me that he is always with me. He I can count on.

So right now I am not really sure what this is all about. I know I was lied to, and I know that while her intention was not to harm, she did hurt me. She broke my trust in what I thought we were building. And perhaps that is where the hurt is.

I am trying to figure out how to handle this one, and in my bible study tonight God lea me to Ephesians 4:15. Speak the truth in love. That requires us to speak directly to people. Not go around them to others, but to approach them with the truth and with love. I am not quite there yet. I struggle with the desire to want to speak my peace. Wanting her to apologize without me having to take the first step. Wanting her to be the one who grows in the process and perhaps teaches me. Not take the cowardly way out by writing words rather than meeting me head on face to face so we can talk it out. I know that sounds selfish, but aren't we all at times? I know that by following God's plan, doing his will, I will grow in the process and most of the time, that makes it all okay. But sometimes its hard to do the right thing, be the better person. Sometimes I feel out of place. I wonder if my thoughts are correct. And then I am reminded of Jesus and how out of place he must have felt. And I wonder how he could keep one of his disciples in his group knowing that he would betray him. I don't think it was in line with "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" strategy that many of us learn in business. I think it was because he saw the bigger picture. He let go and let God not caring what others thought or saw or determined, but caring about what his father thought. Can you imagine knowing that you are going to be betrayed, and letting it play out as God intended?

My prayer tonight: Heavenly Father, Lord God. Thank you for letting me be human. For giving me the space for anger, hurt, doubt and disappointment. You have a plan for me and right not its bigger than I can see. I trust you Lord and I know that this is all part of your plan. Help me Lord to grow stronger from this, show me how you want me to respond, and let me do it with love and truth.

I want to be obedient to you Lord, and will do what you ask of me in your time, not mine. Amen

Being Humble...Having Character...even while Hurting Job 39 1-30

Well, the part time status of my job begins April 15th, and its sometimes hard to not let my hurt feelings show. I want to shout "Why me God? What did I do to earn this difficult lesson?" I do have peace about it, but sometimes that little niggling thought enters my head and I find myself obsessing about the unfairness of it all. Today I am at our annual convention. I will come in contact with the Executive Committee, the Board of Directors - those people that are aware of my fate. I want, maybe even expect them to understand how valuable an employee I am and to tell the President "This was a BIG MISTAKE, GET HER BACK!" and then on the other hand I want to see what God does with this. The reality is that no one will probably say anything. Most people would rather believe that everything is okay, that I am okay with it, even when I know I am not okay with it all the time. That is the human side of me and GOD understands. Which makes it that much more peaceful. To me sometimes it seems like a dichotomy. The negative thoughts that sometimes creep up, the insecurity, the Why mes??? compared to the sense of Peace, Joy and Inspiration that comes from this blind space that I am standing on right now getting ready to take God's lead.


This morning I happened on to the The Lord's Challenge to Job. "Who gave the horse its strength, he commands? Did you give the locust the ability to leap forward? Are you the one who makes the hawk soar, and spread its wings to the south?" He asks. Who am I to question the almighty God just because things don't go my way? Rather than complain I need to consider how much he loves me. Complaining blocks out the sight and sound of God, it leaves no room for him to reveal his greater purposes for me. My challenge is recognizing that it may unfold during the course of my life and not at the moment I desire.

I am reminded of a verse from a song by Casting Crowns:

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I don't have all the answers. And when I spend my time looking for them on my own, rather than seeking God's direction, I become wrapped up in a "poor me" mentality and in that place I accomplish nothing.

Lord, I want to seek you in all I do. I am going into an uncomfortable place this week where people know my situation and to my face will act as though everything is right. Help me to honor you in my actions, words and deeds. To think positively and in anticipation of the purpose you have for me and the growth that will come from my submission to your will.

I love you God.

I have stilled and quieted my soul...Psalm 131

Well, the day came and while I thought the worst would be a lay off, I was given a pay cut and reduced hours to part time. Have you ever felt like you were outside your body watching yourself react? I can honestly say that I was calm, responded with care, character and integrity and accepted my fate. From the beginning I had this sense of peace. I was confident in my abilities, did not feel threatened by my pay reduction or in responsibilities. But at the same time, while I had peace, my mind was spinning out of control. There was this fear of the possible. I have been working 50+ hours a week, taking on more and more responsibility and now I have one responsibility, a 30% paycut, and a 20 hour work week. The possible was the potential for God's plan for me. I now have no excuses. I need to be patient and wait for his direction.

I know as I look at myself, that this is an opportunity, an actual blessing from God. I can't tell you why I feel that way, but I know it. I have the chance to reinvent myself. I have the opportunity to prove that I can survive anything put in front of me as long as I let God have the reins. I know that the top two people did what they had to do to protect themselves. And it doesn't matter. God knows too. And its his decision regarding how and why things happen. We are all his children. And we will all learn from this experience.

Psalm 131 is a psalm of contentment. Quiet trust in God. The verse that spoke to me: I have stilled and quieted my soul --helped me to see that pride results from overvaluing ourselves and undervaluing others. By realizing that we are all God's Children, then we all have the grace of God, his forgiveness. It doesn't make the attack to my person any easier, there is still the disappointment, anger, shame, embarrassment, even if undeserved. But I know that only blessings will come from it if I continue to honor God by seeking him in all I do. I no longer have to prove myself to others. Humility and trust will affect my perspective and give me the strength and freedom to serve God and others.

Be Still and Know That I am God...Psalm 46

Last year God made it very clear to me that I was to learn to "Be Still and Know that I am God". It was quite a challenge for me as I am never still about anything. In fact, if I can control it, I will. At times making the wrong decisions in spite of what I know. Rash decisions, faulty steps, and in the midst of this God was saying "Be still and know that I am God?" Was he joking? Yet every where I turned, with every decision I made, there was this still small voice saying "Be still, and know that I am God".

Today, the company I work for sent out an email saying each of its employees would be meeting on Tuesday with the boss individually and because of the economy we were going to have to cut back. Immediately the people affected in our small office began to talk, whisper actually. Was I getting laid off, are things really bad, how bad are they? The stomach began to churn and for about 30 minutes I felt ill, and then it came., the still small voice: "Be still and KNOW, that I am God". I sat there and listened, calmly letting the peace settle over me. Whatever happens tomorrow, the Lord God is in control, for HE knows the plans that he has for me. And while I of course will do my best to "BE still" if the worst were to happen, I am sure I may react irrationally, emotionally. But its not my plan right now. My plan right now is to handle it with grace and dignity because I know that he is God. And every day after today, and after the next is all part of his divine plan for me.

It's human to be emotional, and to react to a bad situation. But there is a sense of peace knowing that he knows. That he has a plan for me and that there is something much better in store for me.

I The Lord, Do Not Change. Malachi 3:6

What an amazing realization. To know that in the midst of all I face you are there, never changing. The constant, The Truth, The Way. When things seem to be at their worst for me, I am comforted knowing that you never change. I don't have to guess your thoughts, words, actions, deeds. I don't have to question your motives. All I have to do is honor you. You never change, and you are with me always.

Lord, each day I see your hands at work in my life. You are leading me day by day, verse by verse to be an authentic woman. I am learning about who I am, and how important it is for me to seek you always. Its interesting that often times the way you work in me, the outcomes, my responses are so different from the norm in this world, and people have a difficult time believing the choices I make. I even look at them sometimes in disbelief.

There is alot going on in my life and at the end of the day or in the midst of time where I don't think things are going to work out, I am frustrated, or saddened, I am reminded of this verse. You never change. You didn't move. I may have but you did not.

Today I had some challenges at work, and you blessed me with solutions. I know that I have to participate and honor you with hard work, and I know that I will not always receive the blessings in the way I would like, or desire. But I know you are at work all throughout my life and its a liberating feeling knowing that you are with me always. It sometimes seems unreal, and I know that people often times don't believe the depth and detail that I find you involved in my life, but I know that you are. To be able to be appreciative of the good things you bring my way takes the responsibility and the ego out of the way as we continue this journey. I don't know the plans you have for me Lord, and I know that I don't need to know, that the journey is one taken blindly and reliant solely on your promise, my faith, and my acceptance of Jesus Christ as your Son and my saviour. It enables me to focus on honoring you which will always result in a greater good.

Does all this sound to much? Too corny? Perhaps for some Lord, but I profess my faith and trust in you. I have witnessed your blessings in so many ways that I could never take credit for your actions in my life. It is all you. I just had to be obedient and honoring.

Thank you for never changing. Thank you for understanding my shortcomings and still working with me to become a better, God fearing woman. I know I won't get it all right all the time, but I do know that you promise blessings beyond understanding for those who honor you. You never change.

A Job, A Career, A Life...

I turn 50 soon, and lately I have been so wrapped up in where my life is, where its going. The thought of another day at the job I have almost makes me ill. Not sure what it is Lord, but things just don't feel right. A new boss that seems to enjoy creating havoc and acting as though he can come in and "clean it all up" . He sounded so great at the time, but lately I am sensing that he stirs up the pot to create an atmosphere of discord so he can then "Come to the Rescue" on our behalf. He doesn't remember the statements he has made, or the requirements. Doesn't respond to email in a timely fashion and them comes to us after the fact with ridiculous comments and suggestions.

Its like working in a vacuum or a time warp or something. I don't think I can trust the situation. I don't think my staying in this environment is healthy, yet I don't know that the alternatives will be much better.

Jeremiah 9 11-13. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans for hope and for a future. If you seek me you will find me when you seek me with all of your heart. " This was the first verse if you ever brought to my attention Lord, and the first verse I memorized. It has guided me on many occasions, and today Lord I ask in your Son's name, to show me the way. You have asked for my full commitment and to let go and let you work in my life, and it is there that I wish to be Lord.

Perhaps I have begun to rely on the new guy more than you. I am not sure, but I sense you telling me that I need to relinquish more of myself to you Lord. Lord, I wish to honor you in all my actions. If its time for me to leave this job, please show me the way. Give me a Peace over what you desire me to do. Help me to follow through on the plans that you have for me, one step at a time. Lord, you know my heart. You know all that I think, feel, breathe. I am full of so many emotions right now, that it leads me to make bad decisions. I don't feel well, and that brings me down too, not adding to the possibilities, but taking away from them.

Help me Lord, please help me to relax and listen to your plans, your desires for me. I know that when you are at my core, my center, and I am filled with the Holy Spirit then I will be in a better place to be guided, directed. I know I am not there yet.

I feel you all around me this morning Lord, from my head to my toes, your presence is everywhere. There is a message here this morning that I have yet to understand. Help me to understand Lord. I don't want to be complacent Lord, I want to be obedient. The song that is in my mind right now is "How do I, get through my life without you, if I had to live without you, what kind of life would that be?" I want you in my life full time Lord. Why this morning am I waking up so weighted down, so sick to my stomach? What is it that I am unaware of? Lord, do you want me to quit my job? Without another? Lord show me the way Lord, please in your Son's name, show me the way.

I know that you will and can accomplish anyting in my life. I also konw that you expect me to think things through and not act irrationally. Quitting my job, without another seems irrational Lord, very irrational. If it's school you desire for me, I will be obedient and schedule an appointment with the college to see what options are available. Lord, if there is someone out there that you have sent in to guide me in this process, please make it known to me today, who it is, and what you want me to know. I promise to listen and apply the message without doubt. In the meantime, until I know for sure otherwise, I will continue in this job. Goodness Lord, every word I write I feel filled with the Holy Spririt. Lord, you are everywhere this morning, surrounding me, my every thought, my every written word. I am yours. Amen. For now, Iwill do my work, keep to myself, until I hear otherwise from you. In Jesus' name. Amen.