This is What I Know. Jeremiah 9 11:13

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans for hope and a future. If you seek me you will find me, when you seek me with all of your heart". This is my hearts verse. I am proof of a loving God who doesn't make mistakes, who loves unconditionally and who will never leave me or forsake me.

At one time, were just words to be applied, to memorize, to practice. They held little meaning at one time, and yet I latched on to them finally deciding that in order to experience God I had to let him in. I had to believe all of the bible, all of what it said. The more I began to change my way of thinking, the more that I began to notice God's hands on me, guiding me, changing me, nudging me to be better, stronger, more of a participant in this life here.

I am not perfect. This I know for sure. I make mistakes, I walk off the path a bit, but I catch myself more frequently, get back on the path. I fall in and out of letting God hold the reins and taking the reins in my hands all by myself, but this is what I know. I am proof of what God can do in our lives IF WE LET HIM.

It's not a one sided relationship where we ask and God Answers, it takes work to get to know God. Sometimes very hard work and sometimes he comes to us in our weak moments and shows his grace on us regardless of our mistakes. We are not mistakes in God's eyes, and its such a relief to know that he never leaves us.

Recently I have been challenged in my thoughts and actions. I was in a trench of sorts, trying to dig myself out. Trying to determine my life on my terms. A vendor to our company came in to the office today and he began to share an uncertainty that he was dealing with in his life. I could hear the angst, the pain, the sadness, the discomfort. I prayed to God for patience in listening to him and guidance as to what to say. I was reminded of my own journey and I told him that he should try to enjoy being in the trench for awhile because it means that God is working hard with us to lead us to a blessing we can't even begin to imagine. I firmly believe that sometimes we have to wallow in "Stuff", we have to feel sadness, discomfort, pain in order to grow as Christians.

As I said it I was reminded "Okay God, I am listening", that perhaps I should follow my own guidance. Perhaps I need to settle in for the ride a bit and that I am not alone. God is with me always, and he knows the plan that he has for me. How wonderful it is to know that he took the time to select the perfect plan for his child. I don't know about you, but to me its as if he holds me in his arms all the time. He never lets go, and the more I listen and let him in, the more my plan unfolds.

Grief...Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 A time for Everything...

This week a friend of ours son died of multiple wounds from 2 pit bulls. He was trying to protect a smaller dog from harm and the dogs turned on him. He was a young 20 year old. A kind gentle young man with a huge heart and a wonderful sense of humor. We attended his funeral yesterday and I sat there watching two grieving parents bury their son. The church was filled with over 200 family, friends, friends of family. The sadness, tears, agony, despair was all around us. My husband hesitated about going at first but in the end he knew it was something he had to do. He was worried about what to wear. I told him, "It won't matter what you wear, it will matter that you are there". I was surprised to see the level of support, the range of ages, the different ways of paying respect. It was a Catholic service and I was unfamiliar with the traditions, but I was sure of one thing. God was there.

The Priest said two things that stood out to me. 1) That we often question if the deceased is in heaven. He reminded us that God chose us. 2) The second was that the more the extreme suffering the greater the room for love.

Many were asking "Why God? Why Carter?" I asked What God? What are we to learn here, How will our lives change?" This morning this burden of sadness was still with me. I was tearful, tired, emotional, and I took off on a hiking trail along the water and contemplated this with God. And here were his answers to me.

I have often questioned two things in my relationship with God. This unconditional love that he offers us and the thought that perhaps I don't truly understand what love is or what it feels to love unconditionally. In our humaneness we struggle with unconditional love and if we are honest that sometimes we get so angry with a spouse or child that if even for the briefest moment, our feelings change, and we wonder. Our love is challenged. We may have favorite friends who we care for more, or siblings that we just get along better with, and sometimes we question whether we are truly loving people if we can have such negative thoughts.

But in sight of death, unconditional love emerges. We forget the past, the bad choices, hurtful words, idiosyncrasies of the person who is now gone. I think its because at the moment Jesus takes over in our lives and our hearts are pure. It is in those moments that we are given God's greatest gift. His son Jesus Christ.

It's hard to say how many lives will change from this ordeal. Some may walk away from God feeling the need to blame him for taking this young man so soon. Some may draw closer to him because they know that life is too short. I do not know. Some may find Jesus. And Carter will have the glory of viewing it from Jesus's viewpoint.

I am sure that another life lesson I was to learn from this is that its important that we stop and take time to pour out God's love to everyone we come in contact with. That our mission from God is to Love Him and to Love Others. Those are the two greatest commandments. We sometimes get caught up in daily tasks neglecting what is important. On that dreadful day, no one knew that in the afternoon this young man would be gone. No one knew.

In the midst of great suffering, great love will emerge. Let your love shine through the eyes of Jesus Christ. A wonderful prayer was read during the service and I will print it tomorrow. I think it is a wonderful testament to what can lie ahead for all of us. It is all in God's time. Not ours. Life on earth is short. Live in the present.

Bible Verse Challenge...

I had an "aha" moment with God today and usually a verse comes to mind, or I see it on a license plate or I turn right to it in the bible, but today nothing came. I know it will, he teaches me that way, but I thought rather than wait for the verse why not share my story with you while I wait for his voice. Perhaps he wants the verse to come to me from you. Someone will find this blog, and know the exact verse that applies to me and the lesson. But if not now, I know it will come.

I have so often agonized over my job, I wake thinking about it, I argue it out in my head, I anticipate problems before they happen and even though they usually do and I am always prepared when they come, I find that its not the most healthy place to be. First it takes me away from quiet time with God, Second, it gets me all riled up about the job and I become obsessed with the job and forget about all that surrounds me.

Today God told me that work is to take 8 hours. After that, its my time. Time with my family, my friends, my husband. I devote 8 hours of strong, hard steady work to my job, and then that is it. The rest of the time is time spent on me, my relationship with God, my relationship with my family. Work will have to wait.

For me, this was a jolt to my daily routine of waking up, thinking about what lies ahead, feeling miserable and not wanting to go in, blah, blah, blah. Today I approached it differently. I owe them 8 focused hours. That is it. So on the way home, my husband and I talked about other things, made plans for our vacation, cooked dinner together.

I came home and didn't check my emails, and it is a little difficult breaking the habit, but I turned off the blackberry, we ate dinner on time, I was able to sort through some mail, make my husband's lunch. I had more energy, more time for me, more time for us. I was even friendlier.

I seem to have lost track of what was important. The job pays the bills. The title, the pay, the status means nothing to the Lord all he wants is a relationship with me. He wants me to put my priorities in other places. Places I have neglected. Its going to be an interesting journey over the next few weeks. I know its all part of his plan. It's so exciting to have someone so focused on me as his child. And we all can have that relationship with him. We can all let it go and let him do his work in us.

You know some might shy away from or ignore the lessons that God has for us, or even his plans. But lately I have found that by sitting still, listening to him, doing my best to hear and follow his direction is well worth the investment. Less stress, more time, more peace. A restful place to land.

If you feed your emptiness with addictions, you will starve to death...Luke: Chapter 9

My addiction for the longest time was alcohol. And if you read past posts of mine you will know that God took that addiction away. To me, its my own miracle. I had suffered with my drinking, but when I laid it down desperately in front of God and begged him to remove it, he did, free and clear, on September 11, almost two years ago. Luke Chapter 9 talks of God feeding thousands with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes. He fills every hungry soul. Isn't that the most beautiful guarantee? How do we accept that into our lives? Remind ourselves that we are his. We don't need to be fed by material wants and needs. He fills every hungry soul.

I don't struggle with alcohol any longer but there are other addictions I deal with: Spending, Shopping, Over eating, procrastination, relationships.

Today while praying and in conversation with God and wondering why I always find myself in this predicament it occurred to me that I have substituted one addiction for another. Why? I asked? Its not like I just happened upon overspending. I have done it for years. But my overspending has now become a focal point now that the alcohol has been removed. The layers of addiction are peeling away like an onion and each layer removed helps me see further into my soul and my relationship with God.

We can't fill the emptiness with food, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, (Fill in the blank). We know the list of things that keep us from growing, from being the best we can be. Only God can fill the empty space, only God can take away the fear, the doubts, the uncertainty. Its a struggle some days. Me, I just want to believe that I can handle it, that I don't need anyone. But the more I rely on God, the more I realize I need him all. I need all of him in me. The Holy Spirit can be a powerful defense against the challenges and struggles of this world. If we would just let him. Are you struggling with something today? If so, know that you are loved. God loves you and he has a plan. He can and he will fill the emptiness with more love than you can possibly imagine. It's Him we need, it's his Son Jesus Christ. I believe this with all that I am.

I am rich in Christ.

Gossip Girls and Boys Ephesians 4:29

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." I told you yesterday God is leading me in this area so it came as no surprise when I came across this verse.

I have over the years participated in GOSSIP. Good and bad, hurtful, behind the back gossip of any kind is detrimental not only to the people involved but to building a stronger relationship with God. Its hard to remember that when we are hurt or upset with someone, jealous or angry, those thoughts and feelings are against one of God's children. Christian or not...Buddhist, athiesist, Muslim, we are all God's children. Chinese, African American, Spanish...you get the idea...we are all God's Children. Tall, short, fat, alcoholic, addict. We are all God's children.

So, when we have negative thoughts we are not only hurting relationships but hurting God as well. He aches when he hears us and when we particpate. Over the years I have removed myself from those opportunities, but every once in awhile, I walk into a situation where someone is talking about someone else. My reaction is to listen without saying words, or in some cases to offer another point of view. In any event I am still participating. It takes courage to say..."This is gossip and not healthy for the organization, community, church". Sometimes its uncomfortable and I feel as though by commenting in that fashion I won't be liked any more. It's a difficult task for me but one that I feel I need to work on.

Watch your self over the next month, how many times do you find yourself drawn into a situation where you know the conversation is being heard by God and he is aching over it? Think about how you can change the world one conversation at a time by ending the conversation or making others aware of the damage it is causing.

Psalm 37:7 Rest In the Lord...

"Rest in the Lord and be willing to wait for Him. Do not trouble yourself when all goes well with the one who carries out his sinful plans."

Yesterday, work had my full attention. People were protecting themselves by blaming others for what was done wrong, while the boss simply wanted a new process to avoid mistakes. One worker plays dumb as if bored with the meeting, another states that "when she did it, there was never any problem" and here I sit taking on new responsiblities because of an unfilled position and its adiministrative. Here I am a hard worker, willing to work, willing to learn, and with all my years of experience frustrated that I am stuck doing the adiministrative work and on top of it, no one wantes to take on additional responsilibity so they play dumb.

Coming home from work last night God spoke to me and told me to "Just Be Still", they are not in control. Not one of them. God is.

I then realized that I was weathering a storm. I had been moved to part-time, and now I am back full time. Patience paid off. God is in control. And he may only want me here temporarily.

Its not about who is doing what, who did what, what didn't get done. It's about doing the work. As my Dad always says "If you aren't happy, leave! But NEVER NEVER leave a job without another one." So for now I am here.

I have to stop worrying about what the other person is doing, thinking, acting. If they are acting in a sinful way, in God's time, things will change. We all have lessons to learn. We are all his children. This to me seems to be the hardest lesson for me to learn and perhaps its why it keeps coming up as a topic of conversation between me and God.

He wants me to leave him in the driver seat, not try to take control of the wheel, not try to do things my way, but rest in the Lord.

Are you like me? Do you sometimes wonder why people get away with things? Do you wonder when it will be their turn? When will they learn their lesson?

It's not our debate. Thank God that he doesn't apply all the lessons I need to learn all at one time on the same day! Could you imagine?

Different Perspectives

God is quite involved in my life, and the more I let him, the more I learn and grow. If you have been following my journey you will know that its been quite the roller coaster ride for me. I was just offered full time status back at my office for the next three months. I was asked back because another employee was let go for not representing the company well. It was a tremendous shock to me because I had felt that this person was a hard worker. I had seen the work this person was doing. I felt bad, but also I was relieved for my situation. I questioned God asking why I was getting this gift at someone else's expense. I was confused, frustrated, saddened. I wanted to solve this problem, make it better for the person. In so doing, I would then be jeopardizing my own current circumstance.

When I became part time God told me to be still, be patient. And I tried my best to do that. I did not get involved with the turmoil. I paid attention to the task at hand and even though that was very hard for me it did get easier.

Two weeks back to full time I stumbled upon some emails this former employee had written and was shocked to find that she had been talking about me behind my back. Her perspective was that my part time status was a good thing for me, and bad for her. She was getting all of my work. Here I was struggling to accept this drastic change and cut in pay, and this person felt put upon.

The sad part about it all was that I believed we were becoming friends. I had been there for her quite often and I felt she was becoming that kind of friend to me. I was wrong.

But the lesson here for me has been that at times when I am feeling put upon, treated unfairly and depressed, that there are others with different perspectives on the same situation. Perhaps neither perspective is wrong, perhaps both are childish and insensitive to the other. Regardless, God continues to work with us right where we are. He has one perspective, and when we dwell too much on our selves, we get away from his plan, his mission, his perspective.