Sunday, October 5, 2008

The Journey Beginning...

It all happened kind of innocently. Actually it was more like a challenge. I was challenging GOD to do what I had been unable to do on my own. September 12, 2007 after trying AA, Hospital Treatment, Depression Medication, I had reached the end of my rope. I was struggling with alcoholism, I was an alcoholic and even though I woke every morning and said "Today is the day Lord, and each night after drinking myself to sleep praying "Lord, I promise tomorrow will be the day" and the next day I would fail. I was drinking full time now, taking lunch, drinking during lunch, going back to the bar and drinking again. Weekends much of the same. Drink until it was time to go to sleep. Wake up, wait until about 2:00pm and start all over again. I had become addicted to the bar, the wine. I was trying to feed myself, fill myself up, and little did I know that God was about to change my life.

I woke up on September 12, 2007 and challenged GOD. If he would get me through the next 24 hours without drinking, then I would do my part. I was angry. I didn't think he would or could do it, but my Pastor had always preached to me that if we truly handed it over to GOD then he would take control of our lives. My life was way out of control, and I needed God to do it for me.

I would like to tell you that the first 24 hours was hard. It wasn't. Every hour, I did my part, I prayed, and read the bible, and prayed again. 2:00pm came, Happy Hour came, a trip to CVS for a bottle of wine came and passed. I read, drank water, prayed and listened. He gave me 24 hours of sobriety. Didn't seem like much of a big deal, but I had committed to honor that 24 hours. I had broken my promise to the Lord in the past, but this time, I had given him all of it. All of the pain, sadness, failed attempts. ALL OF IT. I wasn't going back.

I expected the next 30 days to be difficult, even the next 60. I honestly didn't trust myself to make it. I didn't even trust God. Every night I want to bed and thanked God for another day of sobriety, thanked him for another day.

The bar didn't entice me, my sleep was never interrupted. There were at times some minor thoughts of how a drink my ease some of my pain, doubt, sadness. But thoughts entered and exited my mind quickly, reinforcing my reserve to give it back to GOD. He protected me. I was shielded for the threats.

September 12, 2008 was my first year of sobriety. That part of my life is in God's hands. Now he is challenging me to give him the rest. You see, I had to focus on just one area of my life. I needed proof that he would perform. Seems pretty arrogant to me doubting God's abilities, but I think it was more about me doubting my worth. Why would God want to help me? After all, I had done so many terrible things. Why me? Well, I constantly reminded myself that I, like everyone else am GOD's child. The more I give it all to him, the more I am honoring him and his son Jesus Christ. Its a very interesting place to be. I see him holding me, hugging me, pulling me up, brushing me off, and starting all over again.

Its time for another challenge. Only this time I think he is challenging me. Challenging me to give it all to him. I am not sure why that is so difficult when time after time he has been there for me. This past year has been a remarkable journey with God. I randomly opened my bible each morning and marked Day 1, 2, 3 etc. He led me through every reading. Every reading was what I needed to hear each day as I walked his path, and not my own. Each day lifted me up, let me know I was not alone. He put some very special people in my life. I asked, he answered. These wonderful women were my strength. They acted as my healthy mind as I regained a sense of myself and came out of the alcoholic fog. I am forever grateful for what he has done, and continues to do for me even through times when I am less receptive.

I am a Christian. I have accepted God's Son Jesus Christ as my Savior and I asked for forgiveness of my sins. When I asked, he answered. He has been with me ever since. He will never leave me. He will never leave you.

1 comment:

Dani said...

Wow! What a powerful story and what a great way to share it! I'm so glad I came back here to read more of your posts! I have felt God's hand in taking away certain temptations before as well. It's like it suddenly is not enticing anymore and if you trust in the Lord you won't ever go back to it. (In my case I did and it's been a LOT harder road to take but I have gotten back on coarse again now.) Your example of putting your trust in Him is so enlightening! Thank you for sharing!