Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Well, the part time status of my job begins April 15th, and its sometimes hard to not let my hurt feelings show. I want to shout "Why me God? What did I do to earn this difficult lesson?" I do have peace about it, but sometimes that little niggling thought enters my head and I find myself obsessing about the unfairness of it all. Today I am at our annual convention. I will come in contact with the Executive Committee, the Board of Directors - those people that are aware of my fate. I want, maybe even expect them to understand how valuable an employee I am and to tell the President "This was a BIG MISTAKE, GET HER BACK!" and then on the other hand I want to see what God does with this. The reality is that no one will probably say anything. Most people would rather believe that everything is okay, that I am okay with it, even when I know I am not okay with it all the time. That is the human side of me and GOD understands. Which makes it that much more peaceful. To me sometimes it seems like a dichotomy. The negative thoughts that sometimes creep up, the insecurity, the Why mes??? compared to the sense of Peace, Joy and Inspiration that comes from this blind space that I am standing on right now getting ready to take God's lead.
This morning I happened on to the The Lord's Challenge to Job. "Who gave the horse its strength, he commands? Did you give the locust the ability to leap forward? Are you the one who makes the hawk soar, and spread its wings to the south?" He asks. Who am I to question the almighty God just because things don't go my way? Rather than complain I need to consider how much he loves me. Complaining blocks out the sight and sound of God, it leaves no room for him to reveal his greater purposes for me. My challenge is recognizing that it may unfold during the course of my life and not at the moment I desire.
I am reminded of a verse from a song by Casting Crowns:
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I don't have all the answers. And when I spend my time looking for them on my own, rather than seeking God's direction, I become wrapped up in a "poor me" mentality and in that place I accomplish nothing.
Lord, I want to seek you in all I do. I am going into an uncomfortable place this week where people know my situation and to my face will act as though everything is right. Help me to honor you in my actions, words and deeds. To think positively and in anticipation of the purpose you have for me and the growth that will come from my submission to your will.
I love you God.